Signs of Abuse in a Relationship

Consider this scenario: Your partner claims to love you, yet often "puts you down" in public, doesn't seem to value your opinion or feelings, ignores you, is frequently unavailable when you want to do something special, but demands all your time and attention. When you express unhappiness at certain actions, you are told, "This is just the way I am, and if you love me you will understand and accept it." Is this abuse, or just the normal personality differences for which people must make allowances? There are ways to know. God also wants you to know how you can be free to be who He has created you to be. (See John 10:10 and Philippians 4:13.)

Awareness of abusiveness in relationships is increasing, and we are learning that abuse can take many forms. Most of us recognize any form of hitting or beating as abuse, but the more subtle verbal and emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical violence. It is just harder to spot.

Many people continue to believe it is their own fault if they are abused – "If only I were a better person, if I were smarter or better looking or a better cook or provider, if I handled the children better, if I would stop doing dumb things to provoke my partner, then he or she wouldn't be this way."

The first thing for any abused person to realize is that abuse is not her/his fault. There is no justification for abusing another person – physically, sexually, emotionally, or verbally. True, the abuser is sick and needs help, but the abusive behavior is not to be excused.

Next, every individual needs to understand and internalize the conviction that s/he does not have to tolerate abusive behavior. There are options; there are ways out of this kind of situation.

RED FLAGS OF ABUSE IN A RELATIONSHIP

Does Your Partner. . .

• Act jealous or possessive toward you
• Refuse to let you have other friends
• Check up on you
• Have a quick temper
• Have extreme mood swings
• Become hypersensitive to criticism or perceived criticism
• Blame others for his/her problems, feelings, or behaviors
• Have difficulty identifying feelings and communicating them
• Refuse or is unable to discuss, negotiate, and compromise
• Believe in stereotyped sex roles
• Look at the opposite sex as sex objects
• Always have to be in control
• Manipulate you
• Have unrealistic expectations of you or the relationship
• Get too serious too fast
• Refuse to accept breaking up
• Abuse drugs, alcohol, or other mood-altering substances
• Pressure you to use/abuse alcohol or drugs
• Show little respect for the opposite sex
• Pressure you for sex
• Mistreat animals or children
• Have a history of bad relationships
• Scare you
• Threaten you or others
• Have a history of fighting
• Own or use weapons or display them to back up threats
• Break or strike objects
• Become violent with you or others

Do You . . .

• Apologize all the time
• Willingly accept the blame for everything that goes wrong in your relationship
• "Walk on eggs," watching every word you say
• Rehearse what you will say to your partner so you won't set him/her off
• Cry more than you used to
• Repress your feelings, especially your anger
• Constantly try to figure out how to get your partner's approval
• Twist yourself into a pretzel trying to suit his/her ever-changing demands
• Give up interests, activities, and people that once were important to you
• Hold yourself back in your educational or vocational advancement
• Constantly excuse your partner's behavior to yourself or others
• Let yourself go physically
• Gain or lose a great deal of weight
• Pay less attention to your personal appearance than you used to
• Find excuses not to leave the house
• Hear warnings from your family or friends about your partner or hear them say they are concerned about your safety?

If you answered "Yes" to even one question, you could be in danger.

Often a person fails to see the signs of abuse until the problem has become intense. The abusive tendencies may not be recognized until after marriage. Even during dating, the abused person may already have formed a strong emotional attachment before admitting the problem. Usually the signs were there earlier, but were not taken seriously. Obviously, the sooner a person recognizes the potential for abuse in a relationship, the easier it is to respond appropriately. Sometimes the abuser can be encouraged to seek help and the relationship can be rebuilt on a healthy base.

Individuals and relationships do not have to succumb to the hopelessness brought on by abuse. Both the abused and the abuser will have to work through issues of self-image, communication, expectations, personal goals, and patterns of relating. The greatest resource for couples in this process is a real relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ offers you a life of worth, love, purpose, and fulfillment: "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full" (John 10:10). He does not promise a life free of problems. He does promise His presence, strength, and wisdom to meet the problems, and He does promise to fill your own life and your relationships with a meaning and purpose you will find in no other way.

We have prepared a page that explains how you can accept Jesus Christ’s gift of life. Perhaps you want to find a place in your local community where you can receive help and encouragement. We will be happy to refer you to a local Baptist church for help.  Please fill out and submit the request form here.

Suggested Resources

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.