Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Imagine that the man you married suddenly starts using you as a punching bag. Maybe you had a fight or he was drunk--you can make excuses for him the first time and stay home or wear dark glasses until the bruises heal. After all, he brings home a paycheck and the kids need a father. When it happens again, and again, you gradually stop talking to family and friends because you’re embarrassed about the yelling and the injuries. You lie and say how clumsy you are, always bumping into things.

Most of all you lie to yourself. You say that when he gets a better job or if you can be more attractive or if the kids will just behave, then things will change. You believe him when he says it won't happen again. Sometimes he's nice and you enjoy being together. You need him and love him, and if you can just second-guess his moods and be a better wife, everything will be fine. Actually the two of you have only one problem: he beats you. You can be sure the Bible has a much different view of how a marriage should look. Try to imagine a relationship of mutual respect and love with your spouse. Within Bible guidelines, your marriage could look that way.

You probably should not expect a quick, easy fix for an abusive relationship. There are things you can do to manage the crisis you may be in and increase the chances of healing and restoration in your marriage. Having basic information and information about God's provision for you in the Bible is a good start.

WHO ARE THE ABUSERS?

Violence against women seems to be a very real and basic part of the American culture. Movies, television, and music videos portray assault and abuse against women with regularity and ever-increasing violence. It has been a frequent subject for humor, which subtly encourages the idea that abusing women is acceptable, even natural.

Assaults are committed by husbands, boyfriends, jilted lovers, fathers, and even sons. They may come from any economic, social, or racial group, for this is not just a problem of "the lower classes." What these men have in common is a motive--real or imagined--for beating a woman, and access to the woman when she is vulnerable and unprotected.

To some extent, the problem may be rooted in our society's tough-guy image which equates physical violence with masculinity. Young men lack role models who demonstrate healthy approaches to dealing with conflict. The message to males from our "heroes" is: if you have a problem, be tough--use your fists.

Among men who seek help to break the cycle of abuse, the most common feelings expressed are inadequacy, helplessness, and fear. Because of negative experiences with females and his own lack of satisfaction with his life, the abuser feels great hostility toward women, along with a need to dominate and control. The "macho" image which may have been fostered in his family or culture causes him to see women as extensions of himself, his property, to treat--or mistreat--as he pleases. A common factor is competitiveness with women, especially when the woman has a higher educational or vocational level.

Many men work at jobs they dislike. The pressures of life produce feelings of stress and frustration, which the abuser relieves by making a woman the target of his anger. He may take his frustration out on his wife, who is weaker, handy, and conditioned to accept wife-beating as a husband's prerogative.

Frustration with life frequently leads to excessive drinking, which breaks down inhibitions and contributes to irrational behavior. Statistics show that over 60% of wife abuse occurs when the man is drunk. However, alcohol alone is not the cause of the violence, since many drinking men are never abusive, and many abusive men beat their wives when sober. Basically, alcohol is an excuse for abuse. The man drinks in order to have a "reason" for battering; he can then disclaim responsibility for his violence.

Perhaps the most common reason given by those involved in battering women is jealousy. Such jealousy is usually highly exaggerated and is linked to a poor self-image and personal insecurity on the part of the man. He may fantasize that the woman is seeing other men behind his back or that she has betrayed him in some other way.

This jealousy often extends even to the man's own children. He resents the time spent with the children and demands that the wife pay attention only to him and attend to all his needs first. Men's violence toward pregnant wives--punching or kicking the expectant mother in the abdomen--often is rooted in this jealousy toward what is perceived as a "rival." This can also be his way of terminating an unwanted pregnancy.

Frequently there is a history of abuse in the man's background. The average batterer was usually beaten as a child, or watched others being beaten. One study of children taken from abusive homes found that the boys tend to be aggressive fighters, whereas the girls are passive-submissive. Thus each sex learns to take on the role of the equivalent parent. The girl who saw her mother abused may as a wife cast herself in the same role, or else go to the other extreme and spurn relationships with men.

Many abusers saw their fathers beat their mothers, and thus see violence as normal marital behavior and an acceptable part of human relationships. Some women are beaten by both husband and son, as the abusive man permits or even encourages a son to assault the mother. Conversely, just as some sons learn violent behavior from their father, many others loathe the violence and their fathers, and grow up to be loving, protective husbands.

The most harmful rationalization for woman abuse is the tactic of blaming the woman herself. While a small minority of women may have a pathological "need" to be mistreated, there is a crucial difference between masochistic fantasies and the reality of abuse. One who fantasizes has complete control and manipulates the imaginary characters in a way that is pleasing to her. In real life, a victim is in a desperate situation in which she has no control over a man who is larger, stronger, possibly drunk and brutal, and often armed with a gun or knife.

The fact is that battering occurs under any circumstances where the man wants to show that he is "the boss." He may be upset about something that has nothing to do with her, which is why a wife's efforts to please, to placate, and to avoid trouble usually are pointless. Police files are filled with cases of women beaten or killed because dinner was late or his shirt needed a button, because she wore her red dress or didn't wear the red dress.

WHAT CAN BE DONE?

The sanctity of the marital home is protected by the Supreme Court's right-to-privacy decisions, and tradition says, "A man's home is his castle," but these attitudes are often used to ignore and excuse violence in the home. Only in recent years has public opinion been focused on a woman's right to safety and fair treatment. This emphasis has helped women reject the idea that abuse is acceptable or shameful or their fault, and has caused the establishment of shelters and programs to assist women to escape from abusive situations.

Women often fail to get the help they need because of shame, or because they feel trapped. A Christian wife may misinterpret church teachings on submission to mean that she must accept mistreatment. Most battered women love their mates and do not really want to leave their homes. They only want the battering to stop.

If a woman goes for counseling, the counselor can only suggest ways she can change, and her behavior is not the problem. The man almost always refuses to go for counseling, either because of his own deep-down sense of shame and guilt, or because he actually does not see himself as having a problem.

Women often are unaware of resources for help, or they lack even the simple means of calling or getting to a shelter. They may lack work skills and thus are dependent on their men financially; an arrest would only create more economic problems for them. They are socialized not to "make trouble," and they know trying to get help will only intensify the conflict. Many are so terrorized by the man that they fear for their lives if they seek help.

The last resort of a desperate woman is to call the police, usually in the middle of a fight. However, the police are often unsympathetic and unwilling to take action--principally because they know that charges are likely to be dropped the next day, when the man has sobered up and has been able to convince the woman once more that he will reform. Police also know that most injuries or deaths of officers occur when dealing with a domestic violence call.

Abuse recovery is possible if the woman has the assurance that she does not have to endure mistreatment and has the courage to reach out for help. Family and friends may be able to provide the support she needs to take that step. A pastor, Women's Center, United Way agency, or crisis hotline would be good resources.

The man, if he is willing, can also be helped, through personal counseling or a men's support group, to change. He can change the way he sees himself, women, and life, and learn acceptable ways to deal with anger. As attitudes and patterns of behavior are changed, healing can come to the relationship. God's ideal of marriage (Genesis 2:18, Ephesians 5:33) as a partnership of mutual respect and caring can become a reality.

However, growing into God's ideal of marriage is not possible without being willing to become who God wants each husband and wife to be. One begins this process by starting a real relationship with Jesus Christ. God wants to give you the gift of a full and meaningful life in a real relationship with Jesus Christ (John 10:9-10). Whether you are the abused or the abuser, we want you to know Jesus, because we are convinced He will help you in this situation just as He has helped others. Perhaps the problems in your life seem overwhelming and impossible. You may have thought, "If only I could have a new life." Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25-26). Jesus is the resource who will change your life from the inside out.

We have prepared a page that explains how you can accept Jesus Christ’s gift of life. Perhaps you want to find a place in your local community where you can receive help and encouragement. We will be happy to refer you to a local Baptist church for help.  Please fill out and submit the request form here.

SUGGESTED RESOURCES

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.

Counseling For Family Violence and Abuse, by Grant L. Martin, Word Books, by Grant L. Martin, Word Books

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
P.O. Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218
Phone: 303-839-1852
Fax: 303-831-9251
http://www.ncadv.org/contacthome.htm