Coping with Sexual Addiction

Society is becoming increasingly aware that sex can become an addiction. Just as people become addicted to other harmful behaviors--drinking, smoking, unhealthy relationships, or overeating--individuals can become addicted to various unhealthy kinds of sexual behavior. Like the alcoholic, the sexual addict becomes controlled by sexual thoughts and desires. Once the addiction becomes entrenched, the individual feels as if he/she cannot break loose. But the power of pornography, sexual fantasies, compulsive masturbation, and other harmful sexual activities can be broken.

If you are struggling with a sexual addiction, you must first recognize the problem and make a conscious decision to stop. That may sound overly simple. It is probably something you have struggled to do many times. Yet making that decision is the first step toward claiming your freedom from any habit that controls you.

Next, find someone who will help you be accountable. It is important for you to break the power of your fantasies by removing the element of secrecy and forbidden excitement. You need a trusted friend or counselor with whom you can talk and hold nothing back. Make a weekly report on the times and the occasions you pursue your habit. This person's role is not to shame you or to remove your personal responsibility, but to help you develop strength to resist the habit.

Then find an energy replacement--some kind of physical, and preferably public, activity to substitute for your involvement with the pornography, fantasies, or whatever the behavior. One sex addict reports he goes out in the yard to pull weeds whenever the temptation to look at pornography begins to arise--he acts out physically the kind of clearing out that he wants to accomplish mentally! Jogging, tennis, household chores--whatever you choose, make it an activity that replaces the energy you would have expended on your harmful sexual activity.

Use good common sense about day-to-day activities. Get rid of all the pornography you have and avoid the circumstances that have led to buying such materials in the past. Obviously it's harder to resist purchasing a magazine or a tape when you are already inside the bookstore; it's almost impossible to put away lustful fantasies while watching an R-rated movie. The first moment the temptation comes to mind is the time to choose your alternative activity.

Getting rid of suggestive materials and trying to stop wrong behavior is only half the battle. Cleaning your life of these things will leave a very real void, just as in Jesus' story in Matthew 12:43-45. So the big challenge is to find healthy ways to meet the needs you have attempted to satisfy in the wrong way. No doubt you have found that real life relationships and social contacts are difficult, in contrast to your exciting fantasy world, where you control everything. The problem is that the fantasy is just a big lie; it promises but it never delivers. It may bring momentary gratification or deaden the loneliness for a time, but the pain and the void remain. Only real relationships with real people can bring true fulfillment.

You may need help in understanding your addiction, developing a true sense of self-worth, and learning to relate to others. One way to do this is through reading helpful literature. Another is to join a support group where you find understanding people who struggle with similar addictions. Just as people who drink too much can go to Alcoholics Anonymous, people with sexual addictions can go to Sexaholics Anonymous or Sexual Addicts Anonymous or a Christian support/accountability group.

Even more important is to seek out spiritual resources. Begin with making a commitment of your life to Christ and spending time with him in prayer and Bible study. Then get active in a local church where you can receive acceptance, understanding, and encouragement. Unfortunately, one way we avoid feeling bad or guilty for doing wrong is by avoiding the places and people that remind us of our failures. No matter how often you hear about God's love, your actions serve as a barrier to accepting his love in your own life. So you need the love and acceptance to be found in a Christian fellowship. You need to have acceptance modeled for you by a counselor, friend, or group of caring Christians.

God's love, mercy, and grace are available to all who are dealing with life-dominating sins. Faith in God does not automatically resolve all problems or guarantee protection from difficulties. But it does give a resource of strength on which to base our hope, and guidance in the effort to change.