Sex in Dating
Setting Limits

The decision about sexual activity in dating is one of the most critical issues facing young people. Our society exploits sex and exalts it to a position of supreme importance. At no other time in history has there been such a constant barrage of sexual images and explicit sexual portrayals in entertainment, advertisement, and the arts. All these factors make it very difficult for people--especially teenagers and young adults--to make wise choices for their own lives.

In any aspect of life the Bible should be the basic guide for making decisions. The Bible has some very specific instructions about sex. True, the words "premarital sex" do not specifically appear in the Bible. In part this is because in Bible times, people married very young. There was almost no opportunity for unmarried people to encounter the kind of sexual temptation which young people experience today, and every aspect of their society recognized and reinforced the taboos against such involvement.

But this does not mean that the biblical guidelines are outmoded or irrelevant. God's fundamental principles are true and applicable in any age, for all persons. The so-called "sexual revolution" has not changed the basic truths about human personality and interpersonal relationships.

Nor do these guidelines mean that God condemns or punishes humans for being sexual beings. After all, he created sexuality and pronounced it good. As the Designer of the human personality, God has given us his guidelines to help us find the most fulfilling and healthy expression of our sexuality.

In order to understand and live by God's standards for sex, we have to understand what sex represents in human life. Sex is not just a recreational activity or a physical experience. What we are really giving to a sexual partner is the gift of intimacy. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable to another person and to express ourselves at the deepest level.

Thus the physical intimacy is a symbol of spiritual and personal oneness. The Bible says, "The two shall become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). How can that level of intimacy be shared with multiple partners without seriously affecting the spiritual and emotional health of the individual? Such an approach reflects a "Kleenex" approach to human relationships: use it and throw it away.

That is why throughout the Bible, marriage between a man and a woman is set as the acceptable context for sexual expression. Any sexual involvement outside marriage is called "sexual immorality," a term used in many places in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 6:13, 15-20, 7:8-9; Acts 15:20; Ephesians 5:3; Colossians 3:5; Exodus 20:14. Since premarital sex, adultery, promiscuity, and homosexual relations occur outside the context of marriage, they all represent sexual immorality.

So what do people do when they are not ready to marry or have chosen to remain single? How should a single person relate to a dating partner, particularly if there is no clear indication of how serious the relationship will become and whether or not it will lead to marriage? Suppose the people involved are attracted to each other, but really have no intention of being married--at least not now, or not to each other?

There are no simple answers to the question of how much affection is "right or wrong" in a dating relationship. It is important to consider the ages, level of maturity, and intentions of the two partners. Dating partners have to look not only at where they are in their relationship, but also where they are going at each level of their interaction with each other.

Here are several questions which can help you judge the degree of your physical involvement with a dating partner:

• How well do you control the situation in which this activity takes place?
• Do you feel the level of intimacy is spiraling each time you are together?
• Does it take more and more stimulation to achieve the same degree of pleasure?
• What is your level of communication?
• Do you feel the only real encounter the two of you have is on a physical basis?
• Do you feel that it is becoming harder to be honest and open-not only with each other but also with other friends and dating partners? With parents and others who are concerned for you?
• Are you experimenting with various forms of sex play, yet feeling okay about the relationship because you haven't "gone all the way"?

One important point to remember is that dating should be primarily a social activity, not a sexual one, although obviously physical affection will be involved if the relationship continues and grows. Keep the focus on communication, mutual interests, and a deepening friendship, and you will be less vulnerable to a relationship which quickly becomes exploitive and one-dimensional.

This could mean avoiding an exclusive serious relationship until you are ready to think about marriage. Limiting yourself to just one dating partner can result in your being very emotionally tied to that person. You don't have other relationships with which to make comparisons. You are more likely to become too intimate too soon.

A second safeguard is to spend much of your dating time with friends rather than as a couple alone. When you are active in organizations or sports or group activities, much of your energy is going into those endeavors. When you are with groups, you don't feel so intimate with your dating partner and your emotional responses do not become so intense. If you go out socially with friends who have high standards of behavior, this reinforces your own choices.

If you are having trouble controlling your sexual desires or resisting your partner's advances, one obvious protection is to avoid being alone together for extended times. A cozy evening at home can quickly become intense; don't set yourself up for temptation. Even more important, don't go parking or other places where you not only are vulnerable to runaway emotions but also in danger of being hurt by strangers.

Finally, consider the way you fuel your own sexual desires. Watching sexually explicit movies, TV shows, or videos, listening to music which glorifies sexual promiscuity, reading sexually oriented books--all these keep your thoughts focused on sexual activity at an unhealthy level.

Prepare yourself for a date by making a conscious decision on how you will handle sexual temptation before you are in an emotionally heavy situation. Ask God's help to make the right choices for the sake of your integrity, your future, and the trust of those who care about you.