Sexual Response in Marriage

Marriage is subject to many pressures and uncertainties in our society today. The "sexual revolution" promised "no inhibitions" and thus no problems over sex; in point of fact couples still experience many difficulties in this area.

When marriage partners have trouble responding sexually to each other, there are a number of factors which could be contributing to the problem. First, there may the factor of physical fatigue. The stress of working, caring for a home, and being a parent is enough to deplete anyone's energy. One cannot go at full speed all day, with hundreds of distractions and demands on strength and spirit, and still expect to be eager and full of energy in bed.

In addition to the physical factor, there is the emotional aspect of the sexual relationship. Sex is intended by God to be a beautiful expression of love and unity between a man and a woman. Yet sometimes a person's head knows that better than the heart does! If people are raised with any sense of reticence about sex, if they were given the idea that sex is wrong or dirty, it would be very difficult to give themselves fully in such an intimate relationship.

Even without such distorted views of sex, it is hard for many people to relax and participate comfortably in sexual activity. Their inexperience makes them feel nervous or uneasy about giving themselves physically, especially after having been told throughout adolescence "Don't!" They may lack information about sexual response in marriage, and they are uncertain about how to please their partners and how to satisfy their own needs as well.

At the other extreme are people who have been active sexually prior to marriage, but find that sex within the marriage bond is very different from the casual, superficial, hurried, perhaps furtive encounters they previously experienced.

Sex as a recreational activity bears little resemblance to the deep sharing of self which should occur within marriage. Many people are burdened by feelings of shame or guilt about their previous sexual experiences, and they are uncertain how to respond in a natural way to this partner to whom they have made a lifetime commitment. Men are especially prone to be inhibited by the "wife/mother" image which puts the whole experience on a different level from their sexual exploits as single guys.

It must also be recognized that there are some persons whose libido (sex drive) is simply not as strong as others. Such persons may not think much about sex or have frequent sexual impulses. When wooed and approached with tenderness and desire, they will respond with enjoyment, if not actual eagerness. But their greatest pleasure comes from touching, holding, and verbal expressions of affection, rather than from the sex act itself. This is perfectly normal, and persons who find themselves fitting into that category should be reassured that there are many others with the same feelings. However, with effort, experience, and information, levels of responsiveness can be increased.

The point is, all learning requires two factors: time and practice. Learning to be pleased and give pleasure takes time and deliberate effort. Learning to talk about needs and feelings takes time and practice. Time alone won't do it. There are couples that have been married for forty years who have never been really fulfilled sexually, and neither knows that the other is disappointed. They never realized that sexual responsiveness is not always automatic, but it is something which can and must be developed, through communication and mutual caring. Even the couple who cares very much may never have learned how to communicate about sensitive matters. With all the talk shows and attention in the media to sexual matters, people still do not feel comfortable expressing their feelings or talking honestly about intimate things. There is little opportunity to "practice" communicating about sex, because of the artificial environment in which dating and social activities take place.

Couples who have never learned to talk frankly about sexual matters may find it embarrassing, even intimidating. But it is important to determine that no matter what happens, you are going to communicate. No matter what your partner does, you need to communicate what you are feeling, what gives you pleasure and what you don't like, and to ask what you can do to give your partner pleasure and what to avoid because it is not enjoyable to your spouse. With time and practice the embarrassment goes away, and the intimacy increases.

It is important for a couple to be realistic in their expectations regarding physical expressions of love. Sexually explicit movies and books have made many couples feel intimidated about their bodies and their sexual prowess. Don't expect it to be perfect every time. Every couple has times when they cannot achieve sexual unity. At such times, focus on being close, on building intimacy through talking and touching.

One factor which often makes it hard for women to express themselves sexually is a basic uncertainty about who they really are as persons. They may need to achieve some identity reinforcement so that they really feel they have a self to express. It is very easy to lose oneself in the process of caring for a growing family. A woman is somebody's wife, somebody's mother, and she may wonder, "When do I get a chance to be me?"

The crucial question is the quality of communication between a wife and husband. Physical intimacy in marriage was intended by God to be a symbol of the spiritual and personal openness to each other which we experience when marriage is at its best. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable to another person and express ourselves at the deepest level. This is why extramarital sex is contrary to God's plan for the human family, for in order to achieve that deep intimacy and sharing of self, the relationship must be characterized by trust and permanence. There must be a sense of spiritual and emotional oneness.

This means that factors such as household chores, finances and mutual interests are very important and have an impact on your physical relationship. If there are things which stand as a barrier to total trust and closeness between a wife and husband, these things must be discussed and dealt with before true intimacy can be achieved. These aspects of interpersonal communication must be addressed in order for a couple to relate sexually.

A couple having trouble in this area would be wise to talk with a personal Christian counselor, someone who is trained in dealing with marital and sexual problems and could help them develop a higher level of responsiveness. It may also be necessary to have a physical checkup to be sure that there is no physical dysfunction or disorder which might be contributing to the problem.

Most important of all, spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, couples have the assurance that God is with them always. Couples can commit the marriage to God and ask for his help in overcoming their difficulties. A willingness to work together to find solutions, a sense of compassion and understanding for the other's needs and feelings, and a basic commitment to help the marriage grow, no matter what, can bring the emotional, physical, and spiritual unity which is the foundation of a happy marriage.