Extramarital Sex
A Christian Perspective

What is presented here is a Christian perspective on sexual behavior. This view is based on God's plan for human fulfillment revealed in the Bible. But it has also been tested and verified through many generations of human living as being psychologically and emotionally sound, a reliable guide for making moral choices.

Many people think that the Bible condemns sexual activity. Far from it. God is good, and everything he created (including sex) is good when it is properly used. He created us as sexual beings, and he gave us the capacity for sexual enjoyment as one vital facet of personhood. God wants to help make this area of life as fine, rewarding, and pleasurable as possible.

But sex is not just something we do. It's part of what we are. Being male or female means more than just having certain physical characteristics. It includes how one thinks, how one relates to other people, and how one chooses to construct a life.

Making careful and wise choices about sexual behavior is important for at least three reasons. The first is the individual: you, yourself. You are responsible for your choices in every aspect of life, most especially in regard to your sexuality. Healthy growth--physical, emotional, or spiritual--cannot be achieved without discipline.

God has created us as free, choice-making beings. But taking whatever we want, whenever we want it, is not a responsible use of freedom. There are disciplines which must be exercised in order to achieve the highest potential of which one is capable. If a person does not exercise control and good judgment in this important area, what kind of character can be expected in other vital aspects of life?

The second factor to be considered is the other person in the relationship. The Bible teaches that sex outside of marriage between a man and a woman is wrong because it involves not just the body, but the human soul, the personhood of the individual. Each person has his or her own specific needs, values, conscience, and goals. A person cannot be involved with someone sexually and leave that partner untouched or unchanged. The scripture says quite plainly that "the two become one body" (l Corinthians 6:16).

Sexual relations, whether we want them to or not, do represent a level of involvement--both physical and emotional--which cannot be easily dismissed. Sex can never be separated from the personality without penalty. If the emotional involvement is acknowledged, then one or both partners set themselves up for hurt, disappointment, and guilt. If the emotional involvement is disregarded or dismissed as unimportant, the person becomes increasingly callused, exploitive, and self-centered. It is a Kleenex approach to human relationships--to use persons and then toss them aside when they are no longer wanted.

In addition to these factors, there are the obvious problems which can arise: pregnancy, venereal disease, the threat of AIDS, the regret or guilt which is aroused by violating your personal standards or the values of your family. Your choices affect the other person, and at the same time, you are affected by the choices that others make. You may be sure of what you are thinking or feeling, but you cannot control what the other person may do or feel. This can lead to serious hurt and misunderstanding.

The third factor which argues against extramarital sex is situational. Sex, in order to be right, to be truly fulfilling, has to have the right environment. This is the basic principle in the Bible's instructions regarding sexual behavior. God's plan is for the physical intimacy of sex to foster unity between a man and woman who have made a permanent commitment of their lives to each other. The longing to be loved on an enduring basis, the need to be able to trust another at the deepest level, the need for homes where persons can be nurtured and children can be raised in security and stability--these deep-seated needs of human life cannot be met through experimentation or casual encounters.

Many persons find they cannot even respond in a fulfilling way unless the situation is right. Casual sexual behavior sets up a pattern of superficiality and insecurity in which partners are constantly seeking gratification but never finding the mutual trust and intimacy they are trying to achieve. Recreational sex degrades and devalues both the act itself and the persons involved in it.

If physical intimacy implies a joining together of two personalities--and Christianity teaches that it does--then to have multiple partners means that you are scattering little pieces of yourself around the social landscape. How many times can you share yourself intimately and then go on to other relationships without suffering a loss not only of character and integrity, but your own self?

The point is, the deep needs of life should have priority over the brief, fleeting passions of an emotionally charged situation. One sign of maturity is the ability to delay momentary gratification in pursuit of a more worthy goal. And one test of a relationship is the ability to wait for the right environment for the total giving of self which occurs within a faithful and loving marriage.

The issue of responsibility extends beyond yourself and your partner. We are also responsible to those who care about us and to the future spouse and/or children. Even at the most practical level, the threat of AIDS and other diseases forces us to consider how to protect and honor those who trust us.

The wise Creator designed the human system to function in a certain way. To ignore his guidelines for fulfillment would be like purchasing a delicate scientific instrument and then refusing to follow the instructions regarding its care and maintenance which were enclosed by the manufacturer. Or it's like receiving a beautiful art object as a gift, then using it as a doorstop.

Using sex apart from personality and without the proper framework is a waste of God's good gift, for sexual intimacy is the deepest form of communication. What do we uniquely have to give to the person we love supremely, if we have shared the gift indiscriminately and casually with other partners?

God's plan for our sexual relationships in marriage can rightly be called "maximum sex." His guidelines are not intended to limit or deprive us, but are a way of freeing us to use our sexuality in the best way: as an enhancement of personhood and the fulfillment of a loving relationship. The best place to start loving relationships is in a relationship with God.