Impotence and Marital Intimacy

Marriage is one of the most fulfilling of human experiences, yet to make it work as God intended requires intense effort, wisdom, and dedication. This is especially true of the sexual aspect of marriage, where differences in sexual needs, attitudes, and appetites can create many problems. Perhaps no problem is more sensitive than low sexual drive on the husband's part, or at the more severe level, impotence.

These problems demand the greatest level of communication and openness, but often this is the very thing which is hardest to accomplish. Many men are very defensive and anxious about this matter, for unfortunately in our society sexuality has become almost identical with personhood. A man who lacks sexual drive or cannot perform sexually may feel that he is not a "real man." To compound the problem, the "macho" image may keep him from reaching out for the help he needs.

FACTORS IN SEXUAL PERFORMANCE

Couples who are experiencing problems in this area may find it useful to do some special study in the area of male sexuality. Many women do not understand the feelings which a man has about sexual activity. Often there is little relationship between the sexual impulses a man feels and his sexual performance. He may feel very aroused, and yet because of some physical or psychological barrier, he is not able to function sexually.

So the first step in coping with the problem is a physical checkup. There are factors such as metabolism, medication, a slight stroke, high blood pressure, various diseases, or hormonal imbalances which can affect a man's sexual capacity, in addition to emotional problems such as stress, worry, or guilt. Both partners should talk with the doctor, alone and then together, in order to get all the facts, rather than just hearing them second-hand. If the husband refuses to have a complete physical, the wife should still talk with his doctor or her gynecologist about ways to address the problem.

If no physical problem is detected, then other areas need to be examined. One important factor is the man's previous sexual experiences. Has the couple experienced this problem previously? Has he been sexually active with other partners? This would be a clue that the problem is not physical, but emotional or spiritual in nature.

Men who have had a variety of partners sometimes have a hang-up about enjoying sex in marriage. They may have the subconscious idea that sex is dirty or wrong, something you do with "bad girls," and thus they feel guilty if they have sex with their wives. Such feelings may even have been instilled in him through his upbringing, so examining his family's attitudes and early training could be useful. Counseling may be in order as an aid to overcoming wrong attitudes or relational patterns.

Other specific questions to consider include:

• Is the husband under great pressure at work?
• Does he expend a great deal of his energies in activities outside the home, such as sports, civic involvement, or other community responsibilities?
• Is he taking medication or abusing drugs or alcohol?
• Are there problems communicating about sex? Is this a problem of long-standing, so that it has become an ongoing, smoldering source of resentment and conflict between them?

Often a lack of interest in sex may be related to the fear of being unable to perform. A man would rather deny himself and the wife, any form of sexual contact, rather than to run the risk of failure, of being embarrassed, or of disappointing her.

While a wife may naturally tend to take the experience personally, she may well find that the problem is not directly related to her at all. Unfortunately, there is always the possibility of an extramarital affair which is diverting his romantic and sexual interests. Even more unfortunately, a wife may need to consider whether there are homosexual tendencies with which the husband is secretly wrestling.

Another factor to consider is that lack of sexual drive is often related to a mid-life crisis. This experience is similar to the upheaval that takes place during adolescence, when changes in physical, social, and emotional factors can cause a crisis of identity. In the middle years, a person has to face the reality of frustrated vocational goals, waning physical strength, and personal dreams which may never be fulfilled. In such a crisis, many men have problems sexually.

FINDING SOLUTIONS

Assuming there is no other major threat to the marriage, problems of impotence or low sexual interest can be resolved through mutual effort and caring. Attitude is absolutely crucial, for as it has been said, "The most important sexual organ is between your ears!" In other words, it is our thoughts, feelings, and attitudes that basically determine sexual ability, not the techniques which are used nor the physical appearance of the partners nor other external factors.

Although she cannot take full responsibility for the husband's ability to respond, a wife's attitude does have a strong impact on how he handles the problem. If she is supportive, loving, and accepting toward him, without showing any disappointment or disgust for his problems, this will help him to have a more positive, confident attitude.

The man may need a great deal of reassurance, affection, touching, kisses, hugs, pats, and foreplay in order for him to be aroused. He needs to know that he is more to her than just a paycheck or a handyman. If the wife can let him know that she loves him, values him, and wants to work with him to solve the problem, instead of blaming him or feeling badly toward him, this will help him not to feel inadequate, anxious, or taken for granted. Insecurity, tension, and feeling unappreciated are among the chief barriers to sexual harmony.

The most important thing is to see the sexual relationship as God intended it. Physical intimacy between a man and a woman was intended by God to be a symbol of the spiritual and personal openness to each other which happens when marriage is at its best. So the more closeness, companionship, and intimacy which can be achieved in the marriage relationship, the better the sex will be. Sharing mutual interests, working together toward common goals, laughing and reminiscing together, supporting each other's personal dreams--such acts of caring will carry over into the physical relationship as well.

The most important resource for help is God. It may seem inappropriate to take this kind of problem to him. But he already knows all our problems, he understands and cares, and will guide and strengthen us if we open our lives to him and seek his highest will in every aspect of life (1 Peter 5:7).