Recovering from Sexual Abuse

Buried deep within the consciousness of one out of six Americans is a memory so painful and devastating that it continues to damage and disrupt the person's life even into adulthood. Faulty self-image, relational conflict, and sexual dysfunction often are rooted in childhood experiences of sexual abuse. In many cases, these memories have been blocked out, denied, even forgotten. But the scars remain.

Survivors may repress or downplay their feelings because they think their experiences were not as bad as others'. But what actually happened is not as important as their feelings about the experience, and the coping skills they have developed in response.

LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF ABUSE

Guilt and shame - Many survivors feel that the fact they did not tell or put a stop to the abuse means they somehow were to blame. But fault is only present where there was a choice. To children, adults have tremendous power and authority. Children are raised to do as they are told.

The power inequity between children and adults, and the grooming process the offender uses to seduce the child, removes the element of choice. Even if the offender does not physically harm or threaten the child, the abuse still has a violent nature.

To children, violence means being told they won't be loved, or that they are to blame: "You asked for it," or "This happened to you because you are bad." Being mistreated, blamed, and threatened creates fear, shame, and guilt which lodges deep within the personality. The survivor must reject the idea of being at fault and release the shame and guilt.

Depression, Fear, and Anxiety - Many survivors feel a generalized sense of uneasiness and fear, which surfaces in nightmares, flashbacks, fear of certain places, sleep disorders, anxiety attacks, and distrust of others. Adult sadness and anxiety may be unrelated to the present situation, but rather triggered by a setting or encounter which reminds the survivor of the abuse. There may be a continuing fear of the offender, especially if that person is still a part of the survivor's life.

Inability to Trust - Sexual abuse is an assault not only on the child's body, but an emotional assault on the sense of security in the world. Having been betrayed and violated by persons they should have been able to trust, survivors often are unable to form trusting relationships. Often the child must continue to live with the abuser and be dependent on him/her, keeping the abuse a secret. This sets up a fear of intimacy and closeness, and creates mistrust of anyone who wants to love and care for the survivor.

Survivors even find it difficult to trust themselves. The abuse may have been physically or emotionally satisfying to the child, providing attention, closeness, and stroking. The result is that the victim was not only betrayed by the abuser, but by her/his own body and mind as well. This lack of trust in their own emotional and sexual responses carries over into the adult lives of survivors.

Poor Self-Image - The guilt and shame associated with the experiences of abuse transfer to a sense of shame about the victim's own personhood. At the core of the personality is the thought, "I must be a really bad person if even someone who is supposed to love me could treat me this way." This self-loathing from a damaged self-image produces physical, emotional, and relational dysfunction.

As a child, the victim's safety and well-being were sacrificed for another's gratification. The adult survivor may thus have internalized the idea, "My feelings and needs are unimportant. I don't deserve to be happy." Life then becomes a constant struggle to win acceptance through continual "sacrificing" of self, and patterns of codependence are established which lock the victim into a cycle of mistreatment and manipulation.

Isolation - The child who was alone in misery grows into an adult who feels there is no one who cares or can help. Often survivors feel that nobody else has been mistreated like this, and that they must keep their terrible secret or others will be shocked and withdraw from them. So isolation leads to further alienation from sources of love and caring.

Sadness and Loss - The abused child was never allowed to be a child. The child was placed in an adult role and given adult responsibilities before s/he was ready to handle it. This feeling of loss, of innocence betrayed, pervades and contaminates relationships into adulthood.

Anger and frustration - Often anger about the abuse has been repressed, resulting in chronic depression and dissatisfaction with life. Some of this unrecognized anger may be directed toward other family members who could or should have intervened. The anger may even extend to God: "How could a loving God let this happen to a little kid?"

The adult survivor may be unable to express anger healthily. Thus some respond to any stress or conflict with outbursts of rage and temper, while others may deny and fear angry feelings, seeing them as violent and bad.

Sexual Dysfunction - Since their sexuality was the arena of their childhood pain, adult survivors typically have conflictual feelings regarding their own sexual nature. At one extreme they may be promiscuous, seeing their only value as that of a sexual object, or they may be at the opposite extreme, fearful of sex or certain sexual acts. They may be unable to perform or to achieve sexual satisfaction, or they may sexualize relationships, never experiencing true intimacy beyond the physical level. Gender confusion and homosexuality, compulsive masturbation, and various deviant behaviors are frequently linked to childhood abuse.

UNHEALTHY COPING SKILLS

Adult survivors of childhood abuse feel they live in an unsafe world. Having been denied safety and protection during the formative years, and in many cases having been victimized by the very persons entrusted with their care, they lack a basic sense of security and "their place" in the world. In order to survive abuse and exploitation, they learned unhealthy coping skills, such as:

Emotional Numbing -- The abused child blocks feelings in order to protect against emotional pain. Unfortunately, this prevents the adult from experiencing and expressing positive feelings--joy, love, caring--as well.

Dissociation -- The child who "leaves the body" in order to escape the intolerable treatment may grow into an adult who dissociates during periods of stress. The extreme form of this device is found in Multiple Personality Disorder, in which the individual splinters into a variety of distinct "selves" which serve in different ways to protect and care for the core personality.

Obsessive-Compulsive Traits - In their desperate effort to defend against pain and to maintain control over their lives, many adult survivors engage in compulsive behaviors or become obsessive in thought patterns.

Denial - Some survivors deny the experience of abuse or their feelings about it, because recognition and acceptance of the fact brings pain too great to bear.

Chemical Dependency/Substance Abuse - Drinking and drugs offer an escape from painful memories and a way to self-medicate.

Eating Disorders - Having felt no control over their lives as children, adult survivors may take control by eating excessively or not eating at all. They may feel that their bodies caused them to be abused, and they try to make themselves unattractive sexually by starving the body or covering it in fat.

HOPE FOR HEALING

The healing process takes time and intentional effort, but adult survivors can recover. Therapy --both individual and group--can help the survivor acknowledge, understand, accept, and overcome the pain of the past. Therapy does not erase the abuse or make it magically disappear. But counseling can help survivors to reshape their view of the world and themselves, to resolve their feelings about the abuse and to have power over them, and to take control of their feelings and their lives.

Part of the healing process includes mourning and grieving the lost childhood, and nurturing, parenting, and protecting the child that is within. That child, which usually is the age the survivor was when the abuse began, is the emotional basis for the adult survivor's personality and beliefs about self. The adult self must achieve a secure, happy, and loved "child within" in order to become secure and happy as an adult.

As the adult survivor overcomes the sense of guilt and shame, a sense of importance and self-esteem is rebuilt. Hearing the stories of others helps to break the feelings of isolation and to build bridges of trust. Survivors must first learn to trust themselves, then others, one step at a time. Reclaiming their own power and taking away the power they perceive the offender--and others--to have over them can reduce fear, anxiety, and destructive, self-defeating behaviors.

Since these behaviors and the chronic, pervasive depression are usually rooted in repressed rage, one important step in recovery is to learn to express anger healthily. The survivor needs to act out the anger in ways which vent the feelings without causing more damage to relationships and personal esteem. Some helpful techniques include physical exercise, writing, art, music, talking, role-playing with a therapist, breaking ice with a hammer, or yelling into a pillow.

Sometimes recovery involves deciding what kind of relationship the victim is going to have with the offender, or even whether to confront the offender. This is a highly personal decision, and should not be made too soon or without considerable thought.

The survivor must realize that confrontation may not result in an apology from the offender--there may even be a denial of wrong-doing. The confrontation may create great turmoil and division within the family, so it is important for the victim to have a strong support system and a clear goal in making the decision to confront.

Equally challenging is the situation in which the offender is impossible to confront, either because of death or because the identity or whereabouts are unknown. Here the techniques mentioned for venting anger are especially useful. Two excellent approaches to ventilate and dissipate that inner rage are: (1) to write a letter to the abuser, saying at last all the thoughts which have been pent-up for so long; or (2) to use the "empty chair" technique to hold an imaginary conversation about the experience and feelings.

For most survivors, recovery means feeling worse before feeling better. New issues or feelings surrounding the abuse can surface at different stages in the survivor's life. Healing is a dynamic process which continues throughout the survivor's life, changing and growing as the survivor changes and grows.

But healing can happen, and adult survivors can find peace and wholeness through the power of God. He is able to redeem and restore even the most broken and traumatic of situations.

Awareness of self-worth and achievement of purposeful living must be rooted in a personal relationship with God through Christ, who came "to seek and to save that which was lost," even within the depths of our own personalities. In the strength of his loving mercy and with the guidance of those to whom he has given skills to help, the survivor can turn away from the pain of the past and find hope for the future.