Sexual Abuse of Children

Perhaps a parent's greatest fear--next to actual death of a child--is that the child may be victimized by abuse or molestation. The alarming increase in reported cases of child abuse mandates that parents must be alert and informed in order to protect their children from harm.

Yet most people have trouble dealing with this problem; first, because we are so repulsed by this kind of crime, and second, because we are embarrassed and uncomfortable about any discussion regarding sex. We don't know how to talk to our children about sex in general, let alone such an unpleasant and scary topic. Therefore we tend to ignore it and hope for the best. This approach only sets the scene for a child to be victimized.

How To Protect Your Child

The best way to combat the problem is through prevention. If parent and child have good communication, enjoy one another's confidence, and can talk frankly about sex, they are in a favorable position to protect the child against being molested or to deal with the experience should it occur.

Parents can best protect children by talking about the matter at an early age (five is not too soon). Discuss it as calmly and unemotionally as possible. The calmness is most easily achieved if this talk takes place before, rather than after, an unfortunate incident.

Explain that some people, even grownups, are confused about sex and sometimes they approach young children. Tell them that the person might start by kissing, touching or hugging in a way which makes them feel uncomfortable. This, they should understand, is a danger signal. Explain the difference between "good" and "bad" touching. Advise them if this happens, they must get out of the situation and away from the person as quickly as possible.

Children may be worried about hurting a person's feelings or not being obedient. They must understand that they are not creating the problem. It is the grownup who is doing wrong. Hurt feelings or not, it is important to say "NO" to any advance and to let the person know you mean it. An informed boy or girl, knowing what might happen, can often spot an improper advance and avoid it completely.

Explain that even though it might be easier to forget about the incident, they must tell someone about it. Say, "Anytime someone does something that makes you uncomfortable and tells you it's a secret or threatens you if you tell, that's a sign that this person can't be trusted, and you must tell."

If Your Child Has Been Molested

If the person who makes the advance is a stranger, a parent's first reaction will be to call the police so the molester can be found and arrested. Be aware that children may at first be more upset by the investigation than by the incident itself. Therefore, ask that the interviews be conducted by personnel who are trained to handle such interviews in a supportive, caring way. Be sure that the child gets adequate counseling afterwards. Local parent groups might need to take steps to assure that this training is in place in their community. The most upsetting experience usually comes from court proceedings; if a good investigation is made, the offender usually pleads guilty and the child is spared the trial.

If the person is a close friend or a relative who is likely to be around often, there is no alternative except for the parent, or the strongest person in the family, to confront the offender and report the behavior. "Funny uncles," neighbors, friends, or relatives who molest a child rarely engage in this behavior in isolated incidents. It is most often an ongoing pattern, and few offenders follow through on treatment unless it is court-ordered. In addition, most states require reporting of any known abuse.

The most devastating situation is that in which it is the child's own parent who commits the abuse. The other parent must take this as an indication that the partner is seriously disturbed. Taking immediate action to stop the abuse is absolutely crucial--even if it means insisting that the abuser leave, or taking the child out of the home until the abuser demonstrates definite change. Regardless of how much the caring parent loves or fears or is dependent on the molester, the child must be protected and the abuse reported.

Often adults tend to disbelieve or ignore the report, but children very seldom lie about abuse, and they usually give other warning signs of their distress--poor performance at school, misbehavior, emotional outbursts, withdrawal, bed-wetting, cruelty or even sexual play with other children, and other forms of "acting out." The child should always be believed, at least until counseling can be arranged and the incident checked out.

Recovering From Abuse

Since most abusers refuse to admit their problem or to get professional help unless forced to it by the courts, someone else in the family must take action to deal with the situation--not only the practical steps of protecting the child, but the psychological aspects as well. The ideal solution would be to enroll the entire family in family therapy, because a "sick" family situation is not made up of one lone, deranged individual plus several "good," well-adjusted people. Competent family therapy can unwind the tangled skein of family relationships and help the whole family to greater emotional and psychological health.

A local church, Mental Health Association, Family Services, or United Way would know about resources for help in your community. In addition to family therapy, support groups for the child and the parents would be good tools for recovery. Through counseling and loving support from family members, the painful experience can be overcome, trust can be restored, and a healthy self-image can be nurtured.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, families have the assurance that God is with them always.

NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE--
1-800-4-A-CHILD