Setting Boundaries

A basic coping skill in interpersonal relationships is the ability to set and maintain proper boundaries for our interaction with others and with the world as we experience it. Many people allow themselves to be imposed upon and even mistreated because of a poor self-image, fear of conflict, and uncertainty about their right to exercise control over their lives.

WHY ARE BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT?

Each of us experiences reality in terms of :

The body - what we look like
Thinking - how we give meaning to incoming data
Feelings - our emotional response
Behavior - what we do or don't do

Setting boundaries enhances a person's ability to have a sense of self and to control the impact of reality on the self and others.

HOW DO BOUNDARIES WORK?

We learn to set boundaries on two levels:

• The external system, which protects the body and controls distance and touch.
• The internal system, which acts as a filter or block to protect one's thinking, feeling, and behavior.

External boundaries are violated by such actions as:

• Touching or standing too close without permission. (2) Intruding on a person's privacy; for instance, walking into the bathroom or bedroom without knocking, or getting into another's personal possessions without permission.

The internal boundaries can be violated by such actions as:

• Yelling, screaming, name calling, ridiculing, lying, patronizing, sarcasm, negative control, unrealistic expectations, demanding one's own way or point of view as the only choice.

HOW ARE BOUNDARIES SET?

The ability or inability to set boundaries may take several forms:

1. The person who, because of low self-esteem, childhood training, or painful experiences in the past, is unable or unwilling to set limits and thus has no protection.

2. The person who builds walls to protect him/herself, thus blocking all closeness and preventing even healthy interaction.

3. The person who is confused or ambivalent about setting limits, wavering inconsistently between the extremes of building walls or erecting inadequate boundaries and thus gaining only partial protection.

4. The person who is self-confident enough to set limits, processing the experiences of life to determine their validity and appropriateness and then making the decision of what is appropriate for him/herself. Intact boundaries give measured protection as the person questions the experience through the filters of mind and feelings, accepts it within the circle when appropriate, and blocks it when it is "out of bounds.

The self-confident person knows:

"I have a right to control distance, touching, and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with me. I have a right to control my response to what others say, do, or expect of me, and they have the same right.

"I think my own thoughts and make my own choices of what I do or don't do, and others have the same right. If one of us offends the other, that person is responsible for the impact of his/her action, and should make amends."

LEARNING TO CREATE BOUNDARIES

People who sense they have trouble setting limits need to learn how to create boundaries. They must begin with developing self-esteem through:

• positive mental assertions.
• engaging in satisfying activities in which they can experience success.
• being with people who affirm and support them.

They can adopt the mental outlook of the self-confident person and practice applying limits in specific areas of their lives in which they feel imposed or intruded upon. When their boundaries are intruded upon, they can calm themselves by taking deep breaths, remind themselves of their right to set limits, then firmly and composedly tell the other person how they feel. They can communicate clearly to others what these limits are, especially if setting boundaries results in changed patterns in certain relationships. They can ask others to respect these boundaries, and make decisions about the relationship according to how the other person responds to that request.

Most important of all, they can seek their value as individuals in the assurance of God's love for them, clearly revealed in the life and death of Jesus Christ. As they enter into a personal relationship with God through Christ, they will know their worth and feel more confident in their relationships with others. Through his presence they can have guidance and strength in making right decisions and relating to others in mutual confidence, harmony, and respect.

This information supplied by Carol Henry, L.P.C.

SUGGESTED READING

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.