Adult Children of Alcoholics
Alcoholism is widely recognized as a major problem in our society. But many do not realize the impact which this disease has on the persons who grew up in an environment of alcohol or drug abuse. This experience results in a recognizable and treatable condition which can be passed from one generation to the next. Despite the widespread recognition and acceptance of alcoholism as a family illness, children of alcoholics continue to be ignored, misdiagnosed, and under treated.
Adult children of alcoholics are prone to experience a range of psychological difficulties including learning disabilities, anxiety, attempted and completed suicides, eating disorders, over-achieving and other forms of compulsive behavior.
The problems of ACOAs cannot be dealt with simply within individual families or the alcoholism field alone. They should be the concern of the entire community. ACOAs deserve the understanding, information and help they need to break out of their isolation and silence. Young adolescent and adult ACOAs have a right to specific remedial and preventive services, whether or not the alcoholic parent or the rest of the family seeks help.
ALCOHOLISM: THE FAMILY DISEASE
ACOAs often adapt to the chaos and inconsistency of an alcoholic home by developing an inability to trust, an extreme need to control, excessive sense of responsibility, and denial of feelings, all of which result in low self-esteem, depression, isolation, guilt, and difficulty maintaining satisfying relationships. These and other problems often persist throughout adulthood.
The problems of most ACOAs remain invisible because their coping behavior tends to be approval-seeking and is viewed as socially acceptable. However, a disproportionate number of those entering the juvenile justice system, courts, prisons, mental health facilities, employee assistance programs, and school counseling are ACOAs.
Certain facts about ACOAs have been determined:
An estimated 28 million Americans have at least one alcoholic parent.
More than half of all alcoholics have an alcoholic parent.
One of three families currently reports alcohol abuse by a family member.
Children of alcoholics are at the highest risk of developing alcoholism themselves or marrying someone who becomes alcoholic.
Medical research has shown that children of alcoholics are at the highest risk of developing attention deficit disorders, stress-related medical problems, fetal alcohol syndrome, and other birth defects.
In up to 90% of child abuse cases, alcohol is a significant factor. Children of alcoholics are also frequently victims of incest, child neglect and other forms of violence and exploitation.
GROWING UP WITH A PROBLEM DRINKER
If someone close to you has, or has had, a drinking problem, the following questions may help you in determining whether alcoholism affected your childhood or present life:
1. Do you find yourself constantly seeking approval, acceptance, and affirmation?
2. Do you fail to recognize your own accomplishments?
3. Do you fear criticism?
4. Do you overextend yourself?
5. Have you had problems with your own compulsive behavior?
6. Are you a perfectionist?
7. Do you feel uneasy when your life is going too smoothly? Are you continually anticipating problems?
8. Do you feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?
9. Do you respond with anxiety to authority figures and angry people?
10. Do you still feel responsible for others, as you did for the problem drinker in your life?
11. Do you care for others easily, yet find it difficult to care for yourself?
12. Do you isolate yourself from other people?
13. Do you feel that individuals and society in general are taking advantage of you?
14. Do you have trouble with intimate relationships?
15. Do you confuse pity with love, as you did with the problem drinker?
16. Do you attract and seek people who tend to be compulsive?
17. Do you cling to relationships because you are afraid of being alone?
18. Do you often mistrust your own feelings and the feelings expressed by others?
19. Is it hard for you to express emotions?
20. Do you think you've been affected by someone else's drinking?
Living With an Alcoholic
Perhaps you came to this page because someone you care about drinks alcohol. Perhaps a husband and father you know is wasting his potential in those roles by pursuing the alcoholic escape. Perhaps your friend is caught up in alcoholism in an attempt to cope with the tough issues in her life. You may be feeling anger, frustration, disgust, or bitterness toward someone whose drinking behaviors have ruined his relationship with you. You may be grieving over the change in a special person’s personality due to drinking. In any case, you are not alone. In the United States it is estimated at least 40 million people directly understand your situation and feelings. Knowing how to live with an alcoholic is a major issue.
There is nothing wrong with holding onto hope that your relative or friend will free himself from the desire for alcohol. You certainly may be able to help if you can understand the causes for the need to drink alcohol, some methods for dealing with a drinker with whom you have a relationship, and some cautions you should take. The desire to drink alcohol is centered in its anesthetic effect. Drinking alcohol helps the drinker avoid emotional pain: stress, fear, anxiety, or guilt. The fact that the situation is always much worse when the drinker sobers up somehow seems not to make much difference to him. Even the Bible, in passages written many years ago, presupposes that persons drink to escape anguish and misery (Proverbs 23:29-30, 31:4-7). The sad part is that the deep emotional needs, the inability to cope with fears and failures, and the psychological habits formed by drinking, are very unhealthy and not what God wants for people. When drinkers train themselves to react wrongly to life situations for many years, they find it very difficult to learn to make different behavior choices.
Although your drinker may find it difficult to make new choices, there are choices you can make that may reinforce her motivation to change. Realistically, however, it is important to understand what you can and cannot do in that regard. For instance, you cannot force another person to change; you should not accept responsibility for another’s actions; and as much as possible, you should not allow another person to impose the consequences of her drinking on you. On the other hand, you can love the person while not accepting the drinking; you can offer only the help you are equipped to give; and you can refuse to rescue him from the consequences of his drinking. For instance, there usually comes a moment of crisis with the problem drinker--an arrest, an accident, a fight, an illness. Should something like this occur, you might enlist every resource you can (pastor, psychologist, lawyer, friend, relative), not to rescue your drinker, but to maximize any opportunity for help when she is most motivated to change.
So what would God offer someone who needs to change? We believe the greatest potential for change exists when people accept the spiritual resources God makes available to each person. God wants to help you, and he can help you and your drinker. For that reason, we hope you will allow us to explain that resource. Please consider the seriousness of this issue. God wants to give you the gift of a full and meaningful life in a real relationship with Jesus Christ (John 10:9-10). We want you to know Jesus, because we are convinced He will help you in this situation just as He has helped others.
Wanting a change in life is like being extremely thirsty. Do you remember the last time you were so thirsty you would have done anything for a drink of water? Is that how thirsty you are for a change in life? Jesus said, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him" (John 7:37-38). This is the resource that will change your life from the inside out. You will then have God’s resource for helping your drinker as well.
We have prepared a page that explains how you can accept Jesus Christ’s gift of a full and meaningful life. Please feel free to go to How to Become a Christian now for this information, and let us know about your decision. We can help you further.
Perhaps you want to find a place in your local community where you can receive help and encouragement. We can refer you to a local Baptist Church for help. Please fill out and submit the request form here.
BREAKING THE CYCLE
ACOAs deserve the understanding, information and help they need to break out of their isolation and silence. Help is available, through a local chapter of NACOA, Al-Anon or the area Council on Alcoholism. Many communities provide self-help and support groups. Through counseling, study, and interaction with others who suffer from this syndrome, ACOAs can break the cycle of codependency, guilt, and anxiety, and learn new patterns of healthy, effective relating.
SPIRITUAL RESOURCES FOR THE STRUGGLE
One of the primary factors in the condition, especially for Christians, is the attempt to live by the biblical commandment to "Honor your father and your mother." Many ACOAs take that to mean that parents must be obeyed and supported in their actions, regardless of the harm they may be causing. ACOAs need to learn the principle of "tough love," which means loving the person enough to confront and break the patterns of codependency and enabling. This may be the highest form of "taking care" of the loved one, because it challenges the problem drinker to be responsible, to be his/her best self.
The strength to accept oneself and one's right to be happy, and the power to change unhealthy patterns of relating to others and to self, come from a personal relationship with God through Christ. As we find our value in God's redemptive love and mercy, we receive the power to overcome the pain and dysfunction of the past. We are able to begin a new way of living, relinquishing responsibility for others, but caring for others in joy and mutual acceptance.
HELPFUL RESOURCES FOR ACOAs
NACOA is an organization founded to support and serve as a resource for ACOAs of all ages and those who are in a position to help them. The address is:
National Association for Children of Alcoholics
11426 Rockville Pike, Suite 100
Rockville, MD 20852
www.nacoa.net
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