Overcoming Rejection

Many people struggle with a faulty self-image and feelings of inadequacy without ever quite understanding why. On the surface it seems that they have everything a person could want to be happy. They try hard to gain acceptance and to be contented with themselves. Yet there is some elusive factor which blocks them from finding the fulfillment they seek. They never feel completely at peace and contented with themselves or with life. They may be unaware of the way in which people continue to be impacted--either positively or negatively--by their experiences in early life.

Our brains are like a computer which stores up all the diverse information which we have received throughout our lifetime. It even stores up conversations and experiences which we "play back" at certain times, often subconsciously. The messages that we receive cause us to believe certain things about ourselves. The problem is that this computer brain does not differentiate between good messages and bad messages, truth or falsehood, healthy or harmful.

People who are exposed to a dysfunctional environment early in life experience a subtle form of communication called "covert rejection." Some parents verbally profess to love their children, but their actions give a different message to the child. Life becomes a series of rejection messages which causes the child to have low self-image.

Other people during the growing-up years experience "overt rejection"--slights, snubs, ridicule, or humiliation from peers at school, in social situations, at work, even at church. If the "computer brain" does not process these experiences rationally--in terms of whether or not they are justified or true--the person internalizes that negative response and develops a poor self-image.

These experiences of rejection produce certain attitudes towards self, parents, mates or children, other people, and God. The rejection of self produces feelings of worthlessness and inferiority, depression, emotional isolation, introspection, perfectionism, irresponsibility, guilt, and self-hatred. The person often has a difficult time expressing feelings, asserting him/herself, or taking control of his/her life.

Toward parents, the rejected person may experience resentment, bitterness, refusal to communicate, rebellion against parental authority, ambivalence and distrust. In essence, this person says, "You rejected me; now I will reject you." Or the person may form a codependent attachment to the parents. The adult child may spend a lifetime trying to gain the acceptance and love which deep down s/he has always sensed is missing. Yet the person may never fully understand why there is a lack of closeness or communication in the relationship.

Rejected persons often pass on to their families the negative experiences of their childhood. The attitude towards spouse and children often is characterized by the inability to express love or by unwillingness to spend time with them. There may be a tendency to vent hostility through punishment, even abuse--both physical and emotional; to make open statements of rejection or to refuse to communicate; to be over-controlling, making decisions for them and trying to "do everything" for them; to view work or other obligations as more important than the family; and to deny the spouse and children their right to be persons.

The negative self-image contaminates relationships in every aspect of life. The rejected person cannot accept love, is programmed to see rejection or to trigger it, tries too hard to please, either expresses what s/he feels the person wants to hear or refuses to communicate honestly, and clings like a leech to a person who does accept him/her.

A rejected person often views God as a tyrant who relates to his subjects in condemnation and judgment rather than acceptance or love. The image of God is distorted because the rejecting parent of childhood takes the place of the loving Heavenly Father revealed in the Bible. The fear and alienation experienced in other aspects of life extends into the spiritual life as well.

The anger and resentment which the person feels because of having been rejected may be transferred to God, causing the person to rebel against God and refuse to accept his authority. Or the person may go to the opposite extreme and develop a very simplistic, legalistic faith in which God's favor is won by following the rules. There may be a basic inability to trust God and a lack of real fellowship or communication with him.

These "rejection tapes" which have been programmed into the mind can never be totally erased, but we can "turn down the volume" on them. We can examine them logically and rationally. We can reframe our thoughts in positive ways. We can refuse to admit negative, destructive thoughts into our thinking. We can substitute good images and positive thoughts. We can recognize our special gifts and engage in activities which help to develop them.

We can learn to expect and to receive acceptance from others and from God. We can make a deliberate act of forgiveness toward those who treated us unkindly or unfairly. We can get help to change through counseling or a support group.

Most important of all, we can look to God as the source of our value as persons. He has demonstrated our value to him by giving his only Son for us. Through a relationship with God through Jesus Christ, we can find the acceptance and peace we are seeking; we can have the strength to overcome the past and face the future.

SUGGESTED READING

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.