Shyness and Speaking

Shyness is a problem for many people, especially those who suffer from a faulty self-image. Often shyness makes it hard to talk comfortably with others. But surveys show that over 90% of all individuals feel some inadequacy in communication. It takes practice and hard work to develop basic social skills, including the art of conversation.

People who have not yet developed a healthy self-image are intimidated in social situations because they tend to believe that they really don't have too much to say or that others are not interested in their opinion. But increased maturity usually brings a healthier self-image which enables most people to outgrow their shyness.

Increased self-confidence leads to more courage in communication. And in a kind of positive cycle, working on conversational skills can bring about greater self-confidence. So it's worth the effort to learn to use language properly and easily. Begin with a sincere effort at learning to use the tools of speech: words and grammar.

• Re-evaluate what you have learned in English courses in school; these studies have more to do with success in life than any other. There is a direct relationship between business or social success and communication.
• Try to develop a curiosity about the study of words. Get a good standard dictionary and keep it on your desk. Look up every word you read or hear and do not know. Keep a list of 10 or 12 words whose meaning you know and try to work them into average conversations.
• A good approach is to look in the Reader's Digest each month for their list of 20 words in the form of a quiz. You not only get the meaning of the word but also its derivation.

A second approach is to participate in activities that promote language and expressing your thoughts.

• If you have any music talent at all get into a chorus or choir. Music training helps speech skills.
• If you can find a course in diction or language arts, take it.
• One of the highly recommended ways to get over shyness, for instance, is to act out a role--either in a play or even on the athletic field. Many people in the entertainment field are painfully shy unless they are performing.
• A small group, such as a Bible study class at church, gives you a lot of opportunity for conversation in a supportive environment where you are accepted as a person of value and importance.

A third idea is to broaden the background of knowledge and information out of which you speak. The wider your range of interests, the easier it is to find something worthwhile to say.

• Travel expands the mind. Do as much of it as you possibly can.
• Read, read, read. This is something available to you. Make yourself read until you learn to like it. That's the way you encounter both words and ideas.
• Develop expertise in some specific areas. If you are good at something, others will want to hear about it. You will know more about that subject than they will.

Finally, here are some random points to consider.

• Do not be afraid to be quiet; learn to be a good listener. This will gain points in a world where silence is increasingly rare.
• Think before you open your mouth and be sure you have a reason for what you say. Most people who embarrass themselves in conversation do it by speaking impulsively.
• Start by communicating with a small circle of acquaintances or friends. These are always best found on the basis of shared interests. Get into activities which interest you. You will find that people who are interested in the same thing tend to become interested in each other.
• Use short sentences in order to avoid grammatical hang-ups.
• Don't cover your nervousness with jokes or try to be clever until you've developed some self-confidence. Being funny is a gift that not everyone has. Corny jokes or silly comments can be a turnoff. But anyone can be pleasant, easy-going and ready for fun.
• Show a genuine interest in others. Care about what they say and think. Then they will be inclined to show the same favor to you. Turn the focus outward toward others rather than focusing on your own inadequacies or insecurities.
• Learn to ask questions--not in a nosy or intrusive way, but as a genuine expression of interest in the individual. It's the best icebreaker and the surest way to start a relationship. The most important topic of conversation to any person is him/herself. You can be sure everyone is concerned with that subject.
• Watch your interior dialogue. Tell yourself good things about yourself. Don't fret about what others think or downgrade yourself. Learn to laugh at your mistakes and keep a positive attitude.

Most of all, accept yourself and see yourself the way God sees you: as a worthwhile person who has good gifts to share with others. Remember the Bible's words (Proverbs 24:18): "Those who have friends must show themselves friendly." A relationship with God is the best foundation for relating to others.