How to Cope with Crisis

Almost everyone eventually encounters a time when life is shattered by a crisis event. A death in the family, serious illness or injury, divorce, loss of job, a burglary or fire in the home--such experiences of loss produce shock, fear, anxiety, confusion, and anger which may paralyze the normal coping skills. To triumph over such an adversity requires a series of constructive steps and deliberate action.

Many people do not realize that an upsetting experience can have a positive outcome, leading to increased personal maturity. Mastering a crisis provides tremendous potential for self-fulfillment and emotional growth.

A crisis event is a call to action. It can be seen as a threat, to be met with anxiety; a loss, to be met with despondency; or a challenge, to be met with a mobilization of energy and purposeful, problem-solving action.

The kind of people who go on to greater emotional maturity are those who like and respect themselves, even if the world seems to turn against them. Their self-worth does not rest on outward circumstances, but on their evaluation of themselves. Their inner security lies in the confidence that they can contend with bad breaks; if they can't change the situation, they will nevertheless somehow endure. They take reverses as part of the normal pattern of living.

POSITIVE STEPS

Face up to it. Get your deepest and darkest feelings out in the open. The biggest block to the healing process is an inability to confront gut feelings honestly.

Take the measure of the crisis realistically. Know what you are dealing with, all that is involved. Dealing with the facts can put the fear and hurt in better perspective. Sometimes choices are limited. If so, it may be wise to prepare for the worst. In other situations, you may need to assume the best.

Having made the problem tangible, focus your energies on appropriate action for a solution. Develop ways of seeking and using the help of friends, relatives and community resources. Know your available means; depending on the crisis, you may need a lawyer, money, medical or convalescent care, or childcare.

If you can't cope by summoning your own resources, don't hesitate to call on an objective outsider--your doctor, minister or a social worker. If you feel deeply disturbed or depressed consider seeing a psychotherapist or a psychiatrist. A doctor or pastor can refer you.

Each step takes courage and an act of faith. It means moving into the future with hope, knowing that time can bring relief from the wounds which now hurt so much. Healing comes when you know you have done all you can about your trouble and are finding a way to live on with a purpose.

ARTIFICIAL CRUTCHES

When persons undergo an upsetting ordeal, they often take negative actions in a trial-and-error fashion. These reactive measures may provide momentary relief, but in the long run they create more problems than they solve.

Overpowered by shock and bewilderment, too many people get anesthetized, drinking themselves into a stupor or using "up-and-down" drugs--sedatives to put them to sleep at night, pep pills (amphetamines) to keep them awake during the day. They use this means to evade reality, denying their dread feelings and thoughts. To escape the problem, they avoid settings that remind them of what was lost and what may lie ahead. This is self-deceiving and pointless.

At times, using medication temporarily and in moderation is helpful as a stop-gap. It may give a little time to reorganize, until the individual is able to regain control. Of course, medication should never be taken without a doctor's supervision or in doses larger than what is prescribed.

ELEMENTS OF THE COPING PROCESS

Ventilation. You need to vent your feelings freely, without fear of disapproval. Weeping is a healthy means of releasing tension. Being stoical is repressive, robbing you of the experience of expressing yourself. On the other hand, showing your anger may alienate or alarm friends, unless they understand it is your style of reacting to your plight.

Handling self-pity. Feeling sorry for yourself is not necessarily a negative emotion. If you can't sympathize with yourself, maybe you don't care enough about yourself. But self-pity is negative if you wallow in it too long. It can be a positive step if you move out of it soon and start dealing again with the realities of everyday living.

Inner resources. You may have been advised to summon your "inner resources." Perhaps you think of this as emotional strengths--fortitude, flexibility, ingenuity, an optimistic outlook, a "stiff upper lip." Actually inner resources include the capacity to utilize society's outer resources.

Paul Tillich, the eminent theologian, stated: "When the Roman Stoic experienced catastrophes, he took them with courage of resignation. But the typical American, after he has lost the foundations of his existence, works for new foundations."

The philosophical approach. Ralph Waldo Emerson advises, "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with our old nonsense."

Suffering and tragedy seem to have contributed to the greatness of men like Abraham Lincoln. It was Lincoln who said, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

Marshalling faith. In response to personal catastrophe, many people experience an awakening of religious faith. Faith is the ultimate support, providing hope. You need faith in yourself, in people, and in God. Prayer helps to put events in perspective and to rebuild the devastated life. And faith teaches us that no loss is the final tragedy.

Whatever happens, Christians have the assurance they are not alone. In the face of crisis, they rely on God for help and guidance. People who know Jesus Christ rely on his promise, "I will never leave you or forsake you." They can cope with crisis knowing he has promised to bring good out of even the worst experiences of life.

LETTING OTHERS HELP

Family, friends, and colleagues can be comforting and supportive. In the midst of crisis you may wonder whether anyone cares. Almost certainly the answer to that is, "Yes!" There are others who care. Yet, you need to know how to receive their help.

In our busy world, few people can set aside their own lives completely to help a friend in crisis. They can give some time, some energy, but most people cannot offer unlimited availability. Further, each of us has a different set of gifts and skills. One person may be comfortable listening to a friend express her fears for the future; another might express concern by bringing a meal.

So accept the help others can give rather than demanding what they cannot give. Do not expect all of the resources you need for getting through the crisis to come from one source, but accept the "patches" of caring as they come.

Sometimes people make mistakes in trying to help. Their statement brings more distress than comfort; their counsel is ineffective. Try to receive this kind of help in the spirit which prompted it. Most of your friends will not deliberately hurt you. Accept their desire to help and overlook the mistake.

Often others are not sure their help would be welcome, or they don't know what you need. Learn to ask for help, and learn to explain what you need.

Help your friends understand that you need time to recover. Ask them to be patient with you and to support you as you deal with your emotions.

When friends share similar experiences ask them what specific steps they took to get through their crisis. You probably will not get through your crisis in precisely the same way, but they may suggest something you haven't thought of.

Do not allow well-meaning friends to divert you from the reality of your situation. You may have to assure them that you need to talk about it and to face your circumstance realistically.

Let your friends know that often what you need most is the reassuring warmth of their presence, even if they are silent most of the time. Help them to realize you do not expect them to have all the answers you are seeking.

After the initial sting of the crisis has passed, you may need to take the initiative to get together with friends. They may not know when you are ready to start socializing. Feel free to call a friend and suggest getting together for a fun activity. And realize that if the friend declines, that doesn't mean you are being rejected--it means your friend is not available at that time; call another friend!

FACING THE FUTURE

The more resources you have to draw upon at the time of the tough break, the better you'll contend with it. If you've done your homework as a human being, established a stable family life and a personal relationship with God, kept open channels of love and excitement, the more likely you are to meet the inevitable crises effectively. Once you regain a reasonably healthy equilibrium, you will be able to face future threats with assurance--and with a better stock of coping measures.