Helping a Friend in Crisis

Almost everyone eventually encounters a time when life is shattered by a crisis event. A death in the family, serious illness or injury, divorce, loss of job, a burglary or fire in the home--such experiences of loss produce shock, fear, anxiety, confusion, and anger which may paralyze the normal coping skills. To triumph over such an adversity requires a series of constructive steps and deliberate action.

The help of friends and family members can often make the difference in a person being able to take that action or being paralyzed by the crisis. Many people do not realize that an upsetting experience can have a positive outcome, leading to increased personal maturity. Mastering a crisis provides tremendous potential for self-fulfillment and emotional growth. Encouragement and support from a good friend often can enable an individual to emerge from a crisis as a stronger person.

A crisis event is a call to action. It can be seen as a threat, to be met with anxiety; a loss, to be met with despondency; or a challenge, to be met with a mobilization of energy and purposeful, problem-solving action.

The kind of people who go on to greater emotional maturity are those who like and respect themselves, even if the world seems to turn against them. Their self-worth does not rest on outward circumstances, but on their evaluation of themselves. Their inner security lies in the confidence that they can contend with bad breaks; if they can't change the situation, they will nevertheless somehow endure. They take reverses as part of the normal pattern of living.

POSITIVE STEPS

Understanding the process of coping with a crisis can enable you to offer meaningful support to a friend who is experiencing difficult circumstances.

Encourage your friend to face up to the crisis. S/he needs to get his/her deepest and darkest feelings out in the open. The biggest block to the healing process is an inability to confront gut feelings honestly.

Help your friend to take the measure of the crisis realistically. The individual facing such a situation needs to know what is involved. Dealing with the facts can put the fear and hurt in better perspective.

Sometimes choices of action are limited. If so, it may be wise to prepare for the worst. In other situations, the person in crisis needs to assume the best.

Once the problem has been made tangible, guide your friend to focus his/her energies on appropriate action for a solution. Depending on the crisis, the need may be for a lawyer, money, medical or convalescent care, or childcare. Evaluate what is needed and how it can be obtained.

Be alert to the possibility that your friend may need help beyond what you can give, and support him/her in seeking that help from a physician, minister, social worker, or mental health professional.

Each of these four steps takes courage and an act of faith. It means moving into the future with hope, knowing that the passing of time can bring relief from the wounds which now hurt so much. Healing comes when an individual knows s/he has done everything possible about the problem and is finding a way to live on with a purpose.

ARTIFICIAL CRUTCHES

When persons undergo an upsetting ordeal, negative actions are often taken in a trial-and-error fashion. These reactive measures may provide momentary relief, but in the long run they create more problems than they solve.

Overpowered by shock and bewilderment, too many people get anesthetized, drinking themselves into a stupor or using "up-and-down" drugs--sedatives to put them to sleep at night, pep pills (amphetamines) to keep them awake during the day. It is their means of evading reality, denying their dread feelings and thoughts. To escape the problem, they avoid the settings that remind them of whatever was lost and what may lie ahead. Essentially this is self-deceiving and pointless.

At times, using medication temporarily and in moderation is helpful as a stop-gap. It may give the person a little time to reorganize, until s/he is able to regain control. Of course, medication should never be taken without a doctor's supervision or in doses larger than what is prescribed.

ELEMENTS OF THE COPING PROCESS

Ventilation. The person in crisis needs to vent feelings freely, without fear of disapproval. Weeping is a healthy reaction that releases tensions. Being stoical is repressive, robbing a person of the experience of expressing him/herself. If your friend shows anger, try to understand it as his/her style of reacting to the situation.

Handling self-pity. Feeling sorry for oneself is not necessarily a negative emotion. A person who can't sympathize with him/herself may not have a healthy self-esteem. But self-pity is negative if a person wallows in it too long. Help your friend to move through self-pity and to start dealing again with the realities of everyday living.

Inner resources. All of us have been advised to summon our "inner resources." Often we think of this in terms of emotional strengths--fortitude, flexibility, ingenuity, an optimistic outlook, a "stiff upper lip." Actually inner resources include the capacity to utilize society's outer resources.

Paul Tillich, the eminent theologian, stated: "When the Roman Stoic experienced catastrophes, he took them with courage of resignation. But the typical American, after he has lost the foundations of his existence, works for new foundations."

The philosophical approach. Ralph Waldo Emerson advises, "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with our old nonsense."

Suffering and tragedy seem to have contributed to the greatness of men like Abraham Lincoln. It was Lincoln who said, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."

Marshaling faith. In response to personal catastrophe, many people experience an awakening of religious faith. Faith is the ultimate support, providing hope. We each need faith in ourselves, in people, and in God. Prayer helps to put events in perspective and to rebuild the devastated life. And faith teaches us that no loss is the final tragedy.

Whatever happens, Christians have the assurance they are not alone. In the face of crisis, they rely on God for help and guidance. People who know Jesus Christ rely on his promise, "I will never leave you or forsake you." They can cope with crisis knowing he has promised to bring good out of even the worst experiences of life.

SOME DO'S AND DON'TS
FOR HELPING

If someone close to you has undergone a loss, let it be known that you care. Be easily accessible. Try not to be overly sympathetic, yet respect his/her disappointment or grief. Let him/her "cry," allowing ample chance to absorb the loss and get over it.

It's a disservice to hurry persons in crisis toward recovery, expecting them to move to a new phase of life before they are ready for it. Try to support their faith and courage, their ability to deal with their feelings.

Focus attention on the troublesome event, not on the individual. "It's a shame it had to happen," offers more encouragement than, "It's a shame that you are in such a state." Be a good listener. Give needed information if you have it. Share your similar experiences--"That's the way I felt when I went through a crisis in my life."

Telling a friend in the turmoil of grief or despair, "Come on, now, buck up, don't take it so hard," minimizes the loss. Saying, "It's tough, I know," helps your friend to air feelings freely. Trying to distract or divert the person away from reality only masks the crisis and stifles emotions; it's better to discuss the experience openly.

No one can do everything, and you are not responsible for your friend's recovery from crisis. Honestly evaluate your own gifts and skills, and your own resources of time, energy, and money. Give what you can, and don't feel guilty for what you cannot give.

Perhaps the best gift you can give is the reassuring warmth of your presence, even if you are silent most of the time. Keep in touch, especially after the initial sting of the crisis has passed. Find reasons to get together; swing into action--a sport, hobby, community project, other activities. Help him/her discover new interests, new friends. Above all, show that s/he can always count on you.

ENCOURAGING YOUR FRIEND TO FACE THE FUTURE

The more resources a person has to draw upon at the time of the tough break, the better s/he will contend with it. As a caring friend you can be one of the most valuable resources to enable a person to meet the inevitable crises effectively and to be able to face future threats with assurance--and with a better stock of coping measures. May God bless you as you serve him by caring for a friend in crisis.