Conflict Management

It is an unfortunate but almost universal experience that when people begin to relate and interact with each other, conflicts occur. But while we cannot avoid conflict all the time, it is possible to deal with conflict in a constructive rather than a destructive manner.

First, take the initiative to get the issue out into the open. Sometimes the other person is not even aware that the conflict exists. Feelings of anger, resentment, or hurt need to be expressed and resolved. Rather than attempting to avoid or cover up the conflict, the most concerned and caring action usually is to acknowledge and deal with it as it exists.

Second, treat the other person as an equal. Conflict occurs between persons, not between a person and an object. It is very easy to see the other person as an enemy rather than a person with feelings and needs like anyone else. Here is where the Golden Rule can be a good guide: treat the other person as you would want them to treat you.

Third, fight the problem and win the friend. The issue to be faced is the problem that caused the conflict. Use every tool for supporting your side of the issue, but never confuse the person with the problem. Disagree with the view of another, but respect his right to have views.

Fourth, focus on the problem--present tense. Stay on the subject. Address the problem which has created the conflict rather than shifting to personalities or other problems. Don't drag in past experiences or set up smoke screens which cloud the real issue. Have a sense of proportion; in other words, use just the amount of pressure, argument, or persuasion which will bring about the resolution of the conflict. Make your point without trying to destroy the other person.

These questions can serve as a check list to see that you have addressed the problem in a straightforward way:

1.        Have you identified and defined the problem together?

2.        Have you generated alternatives?

3.        Have you evaluated the alternatives?

4.        Have you made a choice as to which alternative is the one to be desired?

5.        Have you designed a way of implementing the alternative?

6.        Have you planned for follow-ups to assure that the alternative is working?

If the answers to each of these questions is yes, you have reached a successful and mature resolution to conflict. If not, then further actions may be needed. An arbitrator might be one possibility. A neutral but concerned person can frequently encourage understanding and provide greater insight. Or consider a group of peacemakers; conflict which defy other attempts at resolution can sometimes be overcome through the collective efforts of a group of peers.

Some conflicts, unfortunately, resist all attempts at resolution. In such situations, it may be necessary for the persons involved to withdraw from continued contact. They may simply have to keep their distance from each other, staying out of each other's way. Or they may seek alternative arrangements in which they will no longer have to associate with each other. Such decisions would have to be made according to what is practical and realistic in that given situation.

Finally, be willing to take the first step in resolving conflict. The important issue is not who is right or wrong, but who is willing to open up communication so that the situation can be cleared up. Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, people have the assurance that God is with them always.