Successful Coping
All of us face times when life seems overwhelming, more than we can bear. At such times it is tempting to want to give up, let go, leave it all to someone else to handle. We think we simply can’t cope. Maybe you have come to this page because right now life seems to be just too much. Maybe you are wondering if there is any way you can ever get out from under this heavy load and experience the goodness of life again.
Take heart; there is hope! Your circumstances may or may not change, but in God’s strength you can learn some skills to help you cope with this hard time. Even more, you can learn to use difficult situations as an opportunity for growth.
When we face a time of testing, we often become distracted by all of the issues that present themselves, no matter how trivial. A more productive approach is to identify what really matters, to keep our focus on the one or two primary issues and deal with them. Other matters can be brought into line when the primary issues are handled first, but we cannot be productive or cope effectively if we dissipate our energies with sideline issues.
When Jesus visited His friends in Bethany (Luke 10:38-42), Martha busied herself with all sorts of preparations, while her sister Mary just sat at Jesus’ feet and listened to Him. Martha appealed to Jesus to make Mary help her, but Jesus replied, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." What Martha was doing was not wrong – she just had the priorities out of order. If you find yourself "worried and upset about many things," take some time out to sort through the priorities and decide what is really important.
- Accept the past as history.
We cannot change the past. We can change our perceptions and interpretations of the past, but we cannot change what happened. What’s important now is learning from the past so we can make better decisions in the present and the future. Trying to relive past mistakes or successes can only drag us backward (Philippians 3:12-14).
- Change what can be changed; accept or tolerate what cannot be changed; learn to tell the difference.
Most of us are at least somewhat familiar with what has popularly been called the Serenity Prayer: "Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can change, the grace to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference." That "prayer" itself does not come from Scripture, but it is in harmony with Jesus’ message in Matthew 6:25-34. Trying to change things that are not under our control and continuing to tolerate things we have the capacity to change both result in frustration. The most healthy response to a difficult situation is, "That's the way it is. What – if anything – am I going to do about it?"
- Make choices directly, not indirectly; accept the responsibility for choices and actions.
Sometimes, when life seems overwhelming, we feel we don’t have the energy to make decisions, so we let other people make our decisions for us, or we wait around until the circumstances themselves dictate our decision. Sometimes, when someone else is pressing us in a certain direction it seems easier just to go along rather than to take charge and make our own decisions. Either of these approaches amounts to giving up control of our lives to other people or to circumstances. Yet, God calls each of us to be accountable for ourselves (Romans 14:12). We are free to make choices; we must be willing to accept the consequences of our choices. Expecting others to choose for us or blaming them for our choices is copping out, not coping.
- Be willing to accept help.
Making our own choices and accepting responsibility for them does not mean we have to do it alone. All of us need help from time to time – we need encouragement when we are low, information when we are uninformed, and wisdom when we are perplexed. Sources of help may be found in family, friends, and professionals such as ministers, doctors, and counselors. Remember that God is always ready to help, and His help is always perfect (James 1:5).
- Move toward a goal, not just away from a problem.
Life is better when it is lived positively rather than negatively. When we are in the midst of overwhelming circumstances it is very tempting to say, "How can I get out of this?" Yet, the better approach would be, "What changes would I like to see in my circumstances, and what can I do to bring about those changes?" We may have to face the fact that we cannot bring about some of the changes we want, but we can look positively, in God’s grace, toward accomplishing goals rather than just avoiding problems. This means we will view problems as a challenge or a goal to be met, not as an imposition or injustice. It's easier to deal with – and to ask help for – a goal than a problem.
- Take action to experience success.
Most of us can quote the proverb, "Look before you leap," and most of us can counter it with the proverb, "He who hesitates is lost." Which is true? The fact is that both are true, and neither is completely true. "Old sayings" may have some validity in certain circumstances; the Word of God is completely reliable, and it tells us to count the cost then take appropriate action (Luke 14:28-32). Unconsidered action can be disastrous; too much "thinking about it" multiplies obstacles and hands control over to circumstances or other people. Consider your alternatives, seek guidance from God and from appropriate human resources, then take action.
- Remember: feelings are not moral – good or bad.
Emotions are natural and desirable. In themselves emotions are neither good nor bad, moral nor immoral. It is what we choose to do about our feelings that determines the morality of our lives and our character. Almost every emotion – love, hate, anger, joy, etc. – can be expressed positively or negatively. To cope with emotions effectively, we need first to acknowledge them, then seek God’s direction in responding to them.
- View organization as helpful and reassuring.
Confusion creates and contributes to problems. Having a plan of action can energize and motivate us. Take time to define the situation and to understand how the various aspects relate to one another. You may find that you have to act on one aspect before you can handle another part of the problem, or that an action which seems appropriate to "fix" one part will actually aggravate other aspects. By deciding what needs to be done first, what you can delegate, and what you can ignore, you are likely to find that the problem isn’t nearly as overwhelming as it seemed at first. Even if it is as large as it first appeared, having a plan of action gives you confidence for addressing it, and the "overwhelming" aspect is taken away.
- Define change in terms of movement toward personal goals.
We all base our behavior on what we think will help us reach our personal goals, including goals for relationships, accomplishments, and health. Seeking this in ways that are counter to God’s plan and purpose causes harm to ourselves and others. Defining and seeking to reach our personal goals in accordance with Scripture and biblically sound relationship principles contributes to our being more healthy mentally, emotionally, physically, socially, and spiritually.
- Find in Jesus Christ the ultimate resource for coping.
None of us has within ourselves all we need for coping. We must look to some power, some source beyond ourselves. The only adequate source for the strength we need is God, and His strength is available to each of us through a faith relationship with Jesus Christ. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). As you allow God to work in your life you will still face the need to deal with all the emotions that come with being human. The difference comes in God’s desire and ability to show you how to be truly human, to use all your emotions and thoughts and abilities to the fullest, as you become all God has put it within you to be.
We have prepared a page that explains how you can accept Jesus Christ’s gift of life. We invite you to go to How to Become a Christian now, and let us know your decision. Perhaps you want to find a place in your local community where you can receive help and encouragement. We will be happy to refer you to a local Baptist church. Please fill out and submit the request form here.
Resources
The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.
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