Relating to Deeply Troubled Persons

Mental and emotional illness has rapidly become one of the major health problems of our society. It is estimated that up to one person in every seven (about 32,000,000 in our entire population) suffers from mental or emotional disorders serious enough to require professional attention.

We all encounter the victims of these illnesses in our daily lives--the disturbed personalities, the troubled people--those with mental or emotional problems. They are of concern to us because what they do and say and feel generally affects everyone else who works or studies or lives with them. But they are also of concern to us as sick human beings, people in need of understanding.

The first step in understanding troubled persons is to realize that their disturbing behavior may be more painful to them than to anyone else, and that it may be the effect of an emotional illness rather than a fault of character.

NORMAL DIFFICULTY OR EMOTIONAL ILLNESS?

Like an occasional cold, headache or upset stomach, simple minor emotional disturbances are a part of life for everyone. It is fairly common for a person to be upset over some petty annoyance or worried about some in-significant trifle; or feel tense or "down in the dumps" about "nothing at all." Reactions of this kind come, last awhile and then disappear.

But there are disturbances which don't go away, which linger on for days, or even weeks, become deep and intense, and affect one's overall behavior, feelings and thoughts.

When a condition reaches that stage, it is no longer just an upset or disturbance, but an actual mental or emotional illness. This kind of disorder has definite causes, upsets the system, and makes it behave abnormally. It should be regarded with the same attitude as we regard a physical illness.

TROUBLESOME PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE IN TROUBLE

Certain behaviors signal that a person may be in emotional trouble. These problem behaviors include:

belligerence--continuously having a chip on the shoulder, ready to argue at the slightest excuse

excessive moodiness--frequent spells of "the blues," feeling that "nothing really matters."

exaggerated worry--continuous anxiety entirely out of proportion to the cause.

suspiciousness and mistrust--a persistent feeling that the world is full of dishonest, conniving people, "trying to take advantage of me."

selfishness and greediness--lack of consideration for the needs of others; a "what's in it for me attitude" about almost everything.

helplessness and dependency - a tendency to rely too much on others; difficulty in making decisions.

poor emotional control - exaggerated emotional outbursts out of proportion to the cause, and at inappropriate times.

day-dreaming and fantasy - spending a good part of the time imagining "how things could be," rather than dealing with them as they are.

hypochondria - worrying a great deal of the time about minor physical ailments; experiencing imaginary symptoms of illness.

Whether such problems go beyond a minor disturbance to actual emotional illness depends on the frequency and intensity of the problem. If the problem causes continuous or increasing dysfunction in the person's life, professional treatment should be sought. With counseling and medication, improvement or full recovery can be achieved.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?

People who suffer from a mental or emotional problem do not generally start life as troubled individuals. Each one of us is born with the capacity to be gentle, friendly, loving, and kind. We also have in us the capacity to be fearful, suspicious, angry, destructive, and cruel. Negative emotions and emotional difficulties develop as a result of early experiences which distort normal emotional responses and set up inappropriate and ineffective ways of dealing with life situations.

To understand and help a troubled person, we may need to be aware of the background of the problem. A mental or emotional illness may be rooted in:

1.    A long and wearing siege of trouble, sickness, tragedy or hard luck. This can condition a person to be on a constant alert for trouble, trigger-ready to run or fight, and always expecting the worse.

2.    A constant air of doom and gloom in the home. If a child is surrounded by an air of fretting and complaint, s/he may grow up with the feeling that the world is basically hostile and no one is to be trusted. S/he will carry these negative, pessimistic, self-defeating attitudes into adulthood.

3.    Neglect or rejection in childhood. A child who is ignored or disliked may tend to feel that s/he lacks the qualities to be lovable and acceptable. The self-deprecating child becomes an adult full of insecurity, self-doubt and fear, lacking confidence and expecting to be hurt, ignored and rebuffed.

4.    Constant scolding and criticism. This may give the child an exaggerated feeling of guilt and a feeling that s/he is inferior, worthless and essentially bad. Such children are conditioned to expect that everyone will find fault with them and punish them.

The negative emotions which grow out of such experiences may serve the purpose of self preservation. Confronted by a tense or challenging situation, the person either yields to fear and escapes, or else turns on the source of danger and tries to destroy or overcome it. If the person is made to feel continually defensive or hostile, this kind of response becomes a fixed pattern of behavior, even when no real threat is present.

UNDERSTANDING CAN HELP

Understanding is more than sentiment. It has healing qualities. Mental health professionals agree that understanding can keep minor upsets from becoming worse, and that it can also help mentally sick people to recover.

There are two kinds of understanding. The first is sympathetic understanding--the kind you give to a person who's sick with a physical illness. His cold or ulcers or her broken arm may cause you extra trouble and get you upset. But you make allowances because you know they can't help their sickness, but need sympathy and understanding.

Persons with a mental or emotional problem are also sick, and usually can't help it, either. They are just as much in need of your sympathetic understanding, even though what they do may be disturbing to you.

Equally important is rational understanding--an understanding of what's behind mental problems, why troubled people behave the way they do. This type of understanding helps you keep things in perspective, puts you in a positive frame of mind to deal with troubled persons--to help them rather than fight them.

HOW TO GIVE HELPFUL UNDERSTANDING

If you are in the situation of trying to help a troubled person, there are some things you can do and some things you should avoid doing.

IMPORTANT DOS:

• Do let the person know you're interested and care. Your friendly attitude can help the person who's "fighting the whole world" to let down the defenses and take a more hopeful attitude.
• Do be a good listener. People with mental problems need someone with whom they can share their troubles. Make yourself available and listen quietly, with little interruption.
• Do try to help out with some practical problems. Sometimes emotional difficulties may be provoked by some very simple, easy-to-adjust practical problem, like a financial difficulty, or family or work problem. Helping the person work out this problem may help relieve the emotional pressure, and create a better frame of mind to deal with the difficulties.
• Do read and share helpful literature dealing with specific mental and emotional problems so that you can be in a position to be more helpful.
• Do get help from an expert. If the disturbance is prolonged and intense, it may need professional care. Make the person aware of these services, help locate them--the family doctor, a pastoral counselor, a Mental Health clinic or community agency, a psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist--and encourage him/ her to feel that it's right to seek help.

If your friend does not have a personal relationship with God, share with him/her the salvation to be found in Christ. Show the person that God is the only lasting source of the peace of mind and joy we all seek.

IMPORTANT DON'TS:

• Don't judge or criticize. Problem behavior is not a character fault. Condemning the person as "weak" or "selfish" only confirms the belief that everyone is against him/her.
• Don't tell the person to "snap out of it." Most deeply troubled persons are helpless to understand, control, or change their behavior without outside intervention. The problem is often so deep-seated that it will take much more than even a very strong, sincere desire to correct the problem behavior.
• Don't argue or try to convince the person s/he is wrong. The behavior is a protection; arguing is a threat to take away the defense.
• Don't try to be an amateur therapist. There may be some danger signals which you, not having the training, will fail to notice. You may also fall into the error of exaggerating the importance of some minor instance of disturbing behavior, and thus throw yourself and everyone else into a panic.

YOU WILL BENEFIT, TOO

The help you give to others will benefit you, too. The Bible tells us, "Bear one another's burdens" (Galatians 6:2). As you help relieve the problems of troubled people you work with or live with, you create a more peaceful and more tension-free atmosphere for yourself as well. As you gain an understanding of troubled people and their problems, you are likely to gain a better understanding of yourself and your own problems, to become less critical and more tolerant of yourself.

Underlying all this is a basic philosophy of faith: faith in ourselves and others, faith in the ability of each person to improve and grow, faith in the essential decency of persons and in the desire and capacity of people to work out their problems cooperatively; most of all, faith in a loving God who wants his children to be free from anxiety, resentment, and conflict, and to live loving, happy, productive lives.