Relating to a Loved One with a Life-Threatening Illness

• Acknowledge the reality of the diagnosis. Pretending the illness isn't present will not make it go away. A serious illness is too big to "sweep under the rug."
• Regardless of the diagnosis, do not immediately assume this means death is inevitable. The disease may be curable, and if it isn't, it may be treatable and the patient may live for years with the disease.
• If you have questions regarding the illness, consult your physician. Relatives and friends may be well-meaning but ill-informed.
• Consider the possibility of caring for your loved one at home. Bedrooms (or family rooms) can be converted into home care rooms. Visiting nurse services and other resources are often available. And the patient may be happier.
• Discuss with the physician whether the disease is hereditary or contagious.
• If the patient is able to continue working and functioning as a human being, do not discourage her/him by assuming all people with life-threatening illnesses should "go to bed." A talk with the physician should alleviate fears about this.
• Communicate with each other as a family. More problems can result from not talking about the disease than from facing it openly. Be honest with each other but do not try to force the conversation if the patient does not want to talk about the disease or the prognosis.
• Some spouses and relatives do not want the patient to know the diagnosis, "to spare him/her anguish." Yet the reality is that the patient generally knows but is unable to talk about it.
• Some parents do not tell their children that one of the parents has a life-threatening illness. Usually, though, the child should be told, unless s/he is too young to understand. Being honest with the children won't make all the problems disappear, but it will usually make it easier to cope with them.
• Many emotional problems that may have been lurking below the surface of one's marriage before the illness may come to the surface after a diagnosis of serious illness. Some couples are able to strengthen their marriage at such times; others cannot. But conflict, blaming, criticism, or emotional distancing will intensify all the problems.
• Family members may have fears about financial matters related to the possibility of the patient's death. Discuss these fears as a family. Hiding the truth tends to separate the family and halt communication.
• If you need support, seek community resources available to you. Your church or local United Way agency likely can direct you to appropriate resources.
• You may experience some guilt. You may wish you had been a better wife, husband, parent, son, daughter, or friend. You may remember things you did wrong. Guilt will not change things at all. We are all human, and we make mistakes. Remember that life is not perfect, and we cannot change the past. We will all continue to make mistakes.
• Sometimes family members become very angry because it is they who have to cope with a serious illness in the family. It helps to be able to talk about these feelings and problems.
• Start or renew a personal relationship with God through Christ. Know that he will walk with you and the one who is ill through every step of the illness and in any circumstance you may face.

Suggested Reading

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.