Recovering from a Broken Relationship

Learning to love another person is a process. Unlearning to love a person is also a process. Simply telling yourself not to think about that person usually isn't enough. You need to take definite action to break the bond which has tied you to the relationship.

• Reframe your thoughts about the person and the relationship, actively and systematically.
  
  a. Make a list of the best, most positive scenes and pleasures you can think of that do not involve that person.
  
  b. When you are alone, purposely bring on a thought of the person you want to fall out of love with. Immediately yell "STOP" as loudly as you can. The next instant bring on one of the scenes from your list. Each time you think of the person, stop the thought by yelling "STOP" and then replace that image with a thought from your list.
  
  c. Keep a record of how many times a day you think of the person you loved. Jot it down on a card. You will be able to notice your progress. This process takes time and effort, so be persistent. Continue to keep a record until you are down to four times a day.
  
  d. Don't dwell on memories of the good times, but don't focus on the bad parts of your relationship either. This only spoils the good aspects of what the relationship contributed to your life--which are still there and valid even though the relationship has ended. Chewing over the bad aspects also ties you to the person, for both love and hate are strong emotions that are closely kin to each other. Anything which keeps your emotions stirred up will move you further away from your goal, which is not to be bitter, but to accept--and to let go.
• Use humor to help you think of the beloved differently. Remember, laughter is the best of all medicines to help put things in perspective and to cure feelings of depression.
  
  a. Instead of focusing only on the wonderful qualities of the person you loved, begin picturing him/her in absurd, ridiculous, or humorous situations. Be sure the scene is based on a flaw or an exaggeration of personality, something that will give you a good laugh, and not something that will provoke sympathy.
  
  Think about his/her environment. Where would the person look most absurd? Where would he/she be most anxious to make a good impression? For example, picture her talking to her boss with lipstick on her teeth, or think of him at a party with a rip in his pants.
  
  b. Practice alone, working the scene three to five times a day.
  
  c. Then whenever you see, talk to, or hear of that person, or start idealizing him/her in your mind, mentally picture the scene.
• Begin to rebuild your self-image. Being rejected by a lover or losing a lover can cut at the core of a person's self-worth and value. You need to begin dealing with self-doubt, replacing negative self-talk with positive self-affirmation. Doing positive things will also lead to positive feelings about yourself.
  
  a. Every day write down at least two positive things about yourself. They can be big or small things from the past, present, or future. Be generous; praise yourself. Do this for six weeks.
  
  b. When negative or self-critical thoughts cross your mind, mentally shout "STOP" to yourself and replace it with a thought of one of your good qualities or of a situation in which you are being assertive and in control. Become more assertive in all areas of your life by stating your opinions or feelings.
• Rebuild your life style. This is difficult because life may have revolved around the person you loved. Yet, it can be done.
  
  a. Rebuilding means changing not only thoughts, but patterns. Instead of seeing the same friends or going to the same places once frequented with your former lover, you need to make new friends and change the habitual pattern of seeing the same restaurants, parks, shopping malls or museums.
  
  Friends may inadvertently reinforce feelings of depression. So either avoid the friends who bring up old issues, or make a point of involving old friends in new situations and tell them that you would like to talk about subjects that don't involve your former lover. If "old times" come up in a conversation, interrupt--"Isn't it nice we are having weather?"--or state flatly that you aren't interested in re-hashing dead issues. Then change the subject.
  
  You may want to get involved in a singles ministry of a local church. You might even have to consider changing churches if the person continues to be part of the same fellowship. Or, you may want to change other patterns by rearranging your furniture or driving to work a different way. Change the status quo in the areas that remind you of your former love.
  
  b. Rebuilding means investing your emotions and thoughts in other areas of life. A former love can consume your thoughts and drain your energy unless you begin investing yourself in other directions. Spend time with people who are upbeat and positive. Fill the physical and emotional void by getting involved in a new project, activity, goal, or plan.
  
  One good approach is to get a new hobby, or begin some activity which would fulfill a life-long dream. This new direction takes the place of the old one, giving new motivation and incentive to life. In the process. you will find new friendships. You might even find it helpful to get involved in a support group.
  
  Remember that this new area is not to serve as an escape from feelings. The goal is to take a positive step in rebuilding your identity and self-worth. It is to enhance the positives in you so that you can see yourself as a valuable, capable individual.
• Begin or renew a relationship with God. One of the best investments you can make is in the spiritual dimension of your life. God is the Great Comforter who can guard your feelings and help you deal with your thoughts. He is the Friend who never forsakes, never disappoints, never betrays.
  
  As you live in fellowship with God, you can turn to Him in prayer, lean on Him for support, and trust in Him to help you go on. He is the One who can give new direction and purpose to your life. As you turn to Him, he can bring emotional healing into your life. As you read His words in the Bible, you will realize the ultimate value you have as one of His children. As you get involved with His people, you will find support and encouragement.

With determined effort, positive action, and strength from God, you can build a new life. You can find new dreams to replace the shattered ones, and new fulfillment in the experiences which await you in the future.