What is Codependency?
Codependent people are individuals who constantly put others' needs and wants above their own in an unhealthy and self-destructive way. Such persons often appear capable, healthy, self-sufficient, and in control of their own lives. Actually, they are filled with insecurity, fear, and self-doubting. Their self-giving often is a mask for their hunger for acceptance and reassurance.
These traits are usually rooted in early childhood experiences. For whatever reason, the person may not have received the affirmation and sense of self-worth so essential for healthy relationships. This may happen despite parents' good efforts, or it may result from a bad home environment.
People raised in a dysfunctional family tend to repeat in adult life the painful patterns they experienced as children. A dysfunctional home may include:
In order to deal with the anxiety produced by these experiences, persons may "overdevelop" in one or more areas. They may become Super-Achievers, trying to compensate for the anxiety of non-acceptance by being more than anyone could reasonably expect or demand.
Others are chronically depressed, despairing of getting the affection they crave. They go through life feeling rejected, inadequate, and frustrated. They may suffer a variety of chronic health problems, including headaches, backaches, and stomach trouble. Often they turn to addictive behaviors of their own: smoking, overeating, drinking, constantly sleeping or watching TV.
Many become Caretakers or Controllers, always feeling that they must protect others and "do for them". They see themselves as "living for others", and they wonder why their sacrifices and efforts are never rewarded with change. Instead, things only get worse, no matter how hard they try.
This happens because codependents usually attach themselves to partners who will help them repeat those dysfunctional patterns from childhood. The game requires two players: the Abuser - critical, self-centered, and hateful--and the Victim who is willing to accept mistreatment.
To break the cycle, people must get in touch with their own feelings and realize the extent to which they enable the unhealthy behavior by catering to it. People who have spent their lives denying or making up for a bad situation have great difficulty separating reality from fantasy. It is hard for them to relinquish responsibility for everything that happens, especially the bad things. They must come to believe that they have a right to feel their feelings, to make their own mistakes, and to be free from anxiety, guilt, and sadness.
In a supportive environment such as a self-help group or individual counseling, codependent persons can learn to link up with long-stifled feelings. They can begin to break the cycle of abuse and take responsibility for themselves alone. Thus they can move to a balanced place where they can be positive and productive. They can be the individuals God created them to be: healthy, honest, free, and joyful.
Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, people have the assurance that God is with them always.
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