The Grief Process

Death almost always has a strong impact on the lives of family and friends, raising many questions and triggering feelings of insecurity. The loss of a loved one may turn your life upside down, so you feel nothing will ever be the same. While at one level this is true, this does not mean the end of everything. Dealing with grief in healthy ways can enable us to accept, adjust, and go on. God’s desire is not for you to be stuck in the abyss of grief but for you to work through it to find peace and fulfillment. (See Jeremiah 29:11.)

One problem is that our culture has such difficulty dealing openly with death and grief. Too often we keep our feelings inside. Instead of facing them and dealing with them squarely, we try to push them aside. This means we may have leftover feelings that later surface in different ways to cause problems.

Such feelings must be acknowledged and addressed creatively; otherwise, they will continue to haunt us. There is a process of grieving that you should understand and work through in order to emerge from this event victoriously. Almost every bereaved person experiences the stages of grief described here:

First, there is shock and disbelief. It seems impossible to believe this is really happening. A kind of numbness comes over the body and mind. We may even use psychological devices such as daydreaming or pretending everything is all right, that the death has not occurred, in order to deny the reality of the situation. This is a normal reaction, but it will not last forever.

Next usually comes resentment, perhaps even anger. We may ask: Why? Why did it happen to me? How could God let it happen? Why is life so unfair? We could even feel angry with the loved one for leaving us alone and taking from us a source of comfort, guidance, and love we have depended on.

Guilt is another emotion that may follow the death of a family member or friend. We may feel guilty for things we said or did, or for the loving words and acts we failed to express. In the case of an extended illness with much suffering, we may feel guilty because in a sense we are relieved, glad the misery and anxiety are over.

Depression is a part of grief, and it may accompany any or all of these stages of grieving. It may seem that life has stopped; there is no energy or interest in the present, nothing to anticipate in the future. This is a natural emotion under this kind of stress, but if it continues for very long, counseling may be needed in order to move back to a more healthy outlook.

Finally, the grieving process must draw to a close. Acceptance is the key word. We face up to the reality that we cannot change the way things are. We begin to focus our attention on the relationships and events of the present, not the past. We acknowledge that life must go on, and we begin to give our energies to the tasks at hand. It is at this point that we realize the best way to honor the memory of the loved one is to share our love with those who still need us, and to live our lives at their fullest. We accept the warmth of God’s love for us and begin again to share that love with those around us.

These stages are not necessarily progressive. You may begin at any level, may experience any or all simultaneously, may feel you have made good progress toward grief recovery, then suddenly find yourself tumbling back down to one of the earliest stages again. Being prepared for that kind of setback can keep you from being overwhelmed by discouragement and sadness.

Throughout all the stages of grief, you can encourage the emotional healing process by verbalizing your feelings. Sometimes friends can help in this process, but you may also need to share yourself with someone who is trained in helping individuals cope with this difficult experience. This person might be a local pastor, a counselor, a psychologist, a family physician, or a social worker.

The most important thing is to share yourself with God. He understands how deeply you may be hurting. He can give comfort and strength and hope for the future. He can enable you to move forward in hope, with a spirit of gratitude for the gift of this special life.

God wants to give you the gift of a full and meaningful life in a real relationship with Jesus Christ (John 10:9-10). We want you to know Jesus, because we are convinced He will help you in this situation just as He has helped others. Your life may be burdened down with the grief and despair of your present situation. Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28). When you bring your burden to Jesus He will trade it for a life full of meaning and purpose no matter what is happening to you.

We have prepared a page that explains how you can accept Jesus Christ’s gift of life. We invite you to go to How to Become a Christian now, and let us know your decision. Perhaps you want to find a place in your local community where you can receive help and encouragement. We will be happy to refer you to a local Baptist church (Link to church referral request form) for help.

HELPFUL READING

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.