Recovering from Addictive Relationships

Participants in an addictive relationship are unable to function outside the relationship in a healthy way. They are dependent upon the relationship for meaning in life and they lose their individuality. Relational addicts attempt to use relationships to fill voids in their lives. They cannot be happy or content without a relationship. In addition, addicts will initiate or stay in a relationship which is hurtful to them.

Recovery Process

Recovering from addictive love is not one single event but a gradual process. The first step in this process is realizing that change needs to be made. After realizing that change needs to occur there needs to be a willingness to do something about it, a willingness to make new priorities in one's relationships and in one's life.

The most essential priority in recovering from love addiction is to make recovery the first priority. In other words, recovery needs to be more important than meeting a new person, having a date, thinking about an ex-lover, or gaining approval from friends over the decision to recover. After the desire to recover becomes a priority, several steps that lead toward healing come into focus.

Essential Steps in Breaking the Cycle

First, let go of over-involvement in the lives of others. This means letting go of depending on others for approval and the need to have others act in certain ways. Release control of others, even though there may be a fear of losing everything.

An important part of letting go is to refuse to take responsibility for another person's problems. Learn to be lovingly detached: caring, but not trying to be responsible for another person's happiness. Instead of focusing on another person's problems and trying to help him or her through those problems, the relationship addict must release such obsessive attention and allow others to have the freedom to make choices and to suffer the consequences of the choices made.

Second, learn to nurture yourself. Instead of ignoring one's own physical and emotional needs and concentrating on meeting the needs of others, the relationship addict must learn to nurture himself or herself. This involves learning to love oneself, perhaps for the first time.

Third, break the negative, self-defeating patterns learned from childhood. Through the help of a support group or a therapist, the relationship addict will consciously be able to identify and release the painful emotions of the past, make peace with the past, and live more freely in the present. The anger and hurt experienced in a dysfunctional family can be systematically defused.

Fourth, define your personal boundaries. Boundaries represent the psychological dividing lines between two people. Boundaries are important because they help an individual to maintain a healthy sense of self, distinct from everyone and everything else. Without boundaries, it is difficult for a person to maintain his or her own values and goals while encountering the influences and emotions of others.

Help for the love addict comes when boundaries can be reclaimed and clarified. Learn to establish limits, to be able to say "No," or to physically separate yourself from another and still feel OK about it. Become more assertive, and learn to give without giving too much.

Fifth, develop a spiritual life. Within themselves, individuals are powerless to break any kind of an addiction. Admitting such a weakness leads to surrender and freedom from the burden of trying to change oneself or another person. Instead of having to work so hard to bring about change, individuals can turn to God for help.

Turning to God is trusting the one who cares (I Peter 5:17). Even though he may not take you out of your circumstance, you can know that he will go with you through it. He is in control even when the world seems out of control.

Knowing God in Jesus Christ means being born again to a new hope and a new life. The God of all creation becomes an intimate and loving Heavenly Father. You can turn to him anytime and receive strength, encouragement, love, wisdom, and power. Realizing that such a loving Almighty Father is nearby can bring peace in the midst of the storm.

Sixth, learn to make new choices. One of the most devastating effects of addictive love concerns loss of choice. Individuals do not feel as if they have the right to choose. They lose the ability to say no, to maintain their boundaries, to know what they believe, to remain in or leave a relationship. They are focused entirely on others, accepting their values, and failing to see alternatives that might change their lives.

Recovery also involves identifying situations in which you allow others to make choices for you. When you become aware of these areas, you can begin transferring the power to make decisions from others to yourself. Begin by making small decisions such as what to eat or how to spend an evening. This will give you the courage to make the larger decisions: where to live, what kind of work to do, and whom to allow in your life.

Of course, making new choices is somewhat limited. While each person has the power to make choices concerning his or her own life, individuals have no power to control the actions of others. Therefore, the relationship addict must realize that he or she cannot take responsibility for another person's action, attitudes, and priorities. You can only take responsibility for your own. While you cannot always control how you feel, you have power over how you choose to act on your feelings.

Healthy Intimacy

As these steps are carried out, individuals tend to grow stronger in themselves and are more likely to choose partners who are strong enough to return a mature love. These steps will lead to an opportunity for healthy intimacy, the kind of intimacy that involves accepting inevitable differences, allowing vulnerability and honesty, being oneself rather than someone who is trying to gain approval by being what other people might want, and communicating one's needs plainly rather than suppressing them or hinting at them. As one grows in these areas, the possibilities for healthy intimacy will begin to replace relationship addiction.