The Problems of Living-Together Arrangements

Of the many changes which have occurred in our society in the last few decades, one of the most far-reaching and disturbing is the trend toward couples choosing to live together without marriage. This increase is occurring in adults of all ages, in every socio-economic group.

There are some couples who have rejected traditional Christian values in their search for new standards--a "new morality." They claim as their goal a relationship which stands or falls on its own merits or failures, rather than the arbitrary rules set by the institutions of society. But for a great many more, living together is a decision based on economics or legal complications or simply a reluctance to make a serious commitment to the relationship, with little or no consideration for questions of morality.

But a living-together arrangement--even as an experiment to test the relationship--may escape none of the problems which a couple may be trying to avoid in marriage. Whatever the motivation, the relationship still involves human beings and inevitably will face many of the same human problems. In addition, living together brings into the relationship an entirely new set of difficulties. From a practical standpoint there are negative factors in living together, even aside from the teachings of Christian morality.

One young adult stated, "The best thing about living together without getting married is that you both know you still have a long way to go to find yourself, and you know that if you change a lot--if in a few months or a few years you find you're not right for each other--you haven't made a final commitment. You haven't involved a whole bunch of innocent people in your growing-up process."

While this may be true, it also points up one missing ingredient in the process of becoming mature: the willingness to make commitments and to live up to them. In this "alternative lifestyle," the aim is to have all the privileges of a mature person without accepting the responsibilities which maturity demands.

Our society encourages people to focus on the present and live for today--"If it feels good, do it." But the act of formal marriage implies an emphasis on the future. A willingness to defer immediate pleasures in pursuit of a worthwhile goal is one mark of maturity. People who make a commitment and accept total responsibility for their choices are more likely to develop self-respect, personal pride, and integrity. Persons who go from one relationship to another develop patterns of opting out of a stressful situation rather than hanging in there and dealing with it; these patterns carry over into marriage.

Some of the problems in such an arrangement are exactly the same as for married persons--sharing one's space, communication, handling differences, financial problems, other relationships, social activities, contraception and/or child-rearing. But while the problems are basically the same, the dynamics of the relationship within a committed marriage are far different from the impermanence of a living-together arrangement. Divorce statistics show that living together does not necessarily prepare the couple for marriage nor is it a valid test of whether the marriage would work.

In addition to the normal relational stresses, living together brings with it certain legal and practical aspects: Who owns what? Who pays for what? At what point does the relationship become a common-law marriage? What if she becomes pregnant? How much freedom is going to be allowed in the relationship? How do we make choices and what do we do when conflicts arise? How do we handle the criticism or hurt from family and friends who disapprove of the lifestyle?

Even more complicated and stressful is the situation in which one or both partners have children. How will parenting responsibilities be divided? How will the children feel about the arrangement, and what moral values will be taught in that environment? If the relationship should end, what happens to the relationship between the children and the other partner?

One of the worst reasons for moving in together is the expectation that this will increase the chances of marriage. Many people assume that this is a first step toward the altar--they may even have promised each other to marry "after we see how it works out." The fallacy in this thought is obvious. Why should a reluctant partner be willing to make a permanent commitment if all the privileges of marriage are being enjoyed without assuming any of the responsibilities? Once the arrangement has been accepted, it is much harder to change the status quo.

Further, if the commitment is not a legal one, it may be easier to give up when the normal stresses of life make the going rough. Almost everyone has the desire to walk out on the situation at one time or another. Marriage vows may be "just the ink stains that have dried upon some line," but they do set a framework for the relationship, and often will keep people from making a hasty response to conflict which might have been resolved with enough time and effort. The trust factor which is such an important ingredient in a healthy marriage--the knowledge that each partner can relax and be him/herself at the most intimate level without fear of doing something that drives the other away--is missing from the living-together arrangement.

On the whole, in a living-together arrangement there is more likelihood that people will get hurt. Without legal or societal restraints, some will abuse their freedom and exploit others. Persons who invest valuable years in an unstable relationship put themselves in a vulnerable position. Single people may find that what they gain in a living-together arrangement is more than offset by what they lose in individual freedom, personal integrity and long-range stability and achievement of life goals.

The decisive factor in making this sort of choice must be the individual's own personal value system; for the Christian, this includes the biblical standards of marital fidelity. While styles and experiments in human relationships may come and go, God's principles abide. It is because he wants us to be happy as humans that he has ordained a proper framework for sharing life with others.

This plan is for a man and woman who love each other to make a permanent commitment of self to the other in a way which is sanctioned by society and reinforces the values and stability of society. In that commitment is found the true freedom which allows the partners to trust, share, and work together toward common goals.

If the readiness to make that commitment is not there, then perhaps the partners need to take a second look at the relationship and not confuse the issue by entering into a sort of "imitation marriage" which really only produces more problems than it solves. Time for growth in communication and maturity may be needed in order to avoid a mistake which would have far-reaching consequences.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, people have the assurance that God is with them always.