Choosing a Marriage Partner

One of the most critical decisions in life is choosing a marriage partner. This is not an easy choice under the best of circumstances. With the current failure rate for marriage nearly one out of two, it is vital for men and women contemplating marriage to consider all the factors involved.

The fundamental issue is the question of goals for life. Almost any kind of personal differences can be overcome, as long as the couple shares common goals for life and wants the same basic kind of lifestyle. So two people contemplating marriage should begin by identifying their own goals for life. They should determine individually their hopes and expectations for life: what sort of persons they want to be, what kind of life each wants to have, what each wishes to accomplish with his/her life.

Then it is time to talk together about these hopes and expectations. Making the same kind of evaluation of each other's goals may bring to light some fundamental differences in outlook and values. Each should be as honest and realistic as possible in this process. This is not the time for molding one person's choices to fit those of the other, or of trying to make the choices which will "keep the other person happy." It is a time for clear-eyed, tough-minded honesty.

Another factor to watch for is the aspect of communication. Couples need to ask themselves: Do we have a generally good rapport, and can we talk together in an open and accepting way? Is there any sense in which one or the other wears a mask to hide true feelings? Do we have an adequate basis for working through problems and dealing with conflicts or differences of opinion?

A third element is the matter of shared interests. Some engaged couples have the attitude, "Our love is all that matters." This is far from the truth. Without a firm basis of shared interests on which to build the marriage, the relationship quickly becomes pale, boring, and one-dimensional, prone to conflict and resentment. This does not mean that every interest must be matched exactly, but that each person is open to exploring and sharing activities together, and at the same time to give the other space to pursue personal interests.

Finally, the couple should closely examine the difference between them. Is it a vital area, or one in which each can agree to disagree? Variety can be the spice of life, but it must be set within a framework of mutual respect, concern, and appreciation for the other's individuality.

Through communicating together honestly about their individual needs and hopes for life, a couple can get a more realistic idea of whether they have the foundation of mutuality which is required for a happy marriage. Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, couples have the assurance that God is with them always. Praying together as well as privately will help to identify more clearly God's will for each of them and for the relationship.