Suicide: Not the Answer

Things are tough. Life seems pointless and hopelessly messed up. You've been abused or put down all your life. You're stressed out, or strung out on drugs. You feel--or you've been told-- you're stupid, ugly, weak, or crazy. Maybe you're worried about being sick or alone or broke, or you're afraid people will find out you've done something wrong.

Nothing gives you any comfort or joy, and worst of all, nobody seems to care. Or maybe there are people who care, but you've convinced yourself they'd be better off if you were out of the way. Maybe you think you'd be doing yourself and everyone else a favor if you'd just disappear.

If you've convinced yourself of any of these things, you've got to get help---NOW! Suicide is not an option, regardless of the circumstances. Convince yourself of that. Your life may be a mess, but suicide is not the solution.

Wanting to die or thinking about suicide or trying to kill yourself really means you want things to change. There are things in your life you can't control or manage, and you've discovered how vulnerable you are. The pain of how things are becomes unbearable, but you don't know how to change it. It's easier to opt out of the struggle altogether.

Suicide stops the pain, of course, but it stops everything else too--the sights and sounds of beauty all around you, music and laughter and sharing and the good you might do for other people. The only thing suicide proves is that you have complete control over your life. But everybody already knows that. So why not use your control to make something instead of nothing?

Some people like to play around with suicidal thoughts. It's a way to punish yourself if you feel guilty, or to comfort yourself if you're angry with other people. It's a great fantasy: just picture the funeral, and how sorry everyone is going to be they treated you bad. The trouble is, you won't be there to enjoy the revenge or to receive the absolution.

Our society creates even greater fantasies about life than about death. Commercials sell the idea that if we have the right mouthwash or a certain car, we'll be popular and live happily ever after. We think life can be like a TV show, with all the problems solved in 30 minutes. Movies and music and even church tell us that if we are good and kind and hard-working, life is going to be beautiful and everything will come up roses.

The truth is that life is hard and often unfair and sometimes the good guys lose. It's full of wonderful things: friendship, family, love, goals accomplished. But you can't hold just one side of a coin. Friendship requires reaching out, and sometimes you may be lonely. Family requires mutual responsibility, and sometimes others don't do their part. Along with love comes vulnerability, which means you can be hurt. Achieving your goals calls for risk, which brings anxiety and self-doubt.

As we go through life, we discover things about ourselves and other people which can be very painful. We need to find ways to build the inner structures to withstand the weight of these discoveries and make them work for us instead of against us. They become a part of life--even a source of joy.

To do that, you've got to get help, and you've got to ask for it. Don't just give hints. Don't expect people to read your mind. Drug abuse, drinking, wrecks, slashing, and overdoses are not suicide. They are mistakes--sloppy accidents like the confused life you've been living. Don't pretend you're fine and hope for a magical solution. Tell somebody. People will find out eventually that you had a problem. Tell them now, while they can help you find answers.

But don't tell somebody who can't help. Friends who don't take you seriously or who are as messed up as you are can't help. Tell someone in your family, your pastor or doctor, a mature Christian friend, a social worker. Call a telephone hot-line. If you're dealing with a crisis or an abusive situation, call a community agency which can intervene and give support.

Here are some more don'ts. Don't try to drown or block your troubles with alcohol or drugs. Chemicals make you more impulsive, they keep you locked into your own head and distort your view of the world. They exaggerate your feelings and make reality seem less attractive. Reach for help, not liquor or drugs.

Don't spend all your time alone. Brooding intensifies the problems. Don't hold imaginary conversations in your head; watch out for "awfulizing." When you tell yourself how awful things are, they get worse. When you tell yourself how awful you are, you don't get any better. Avoid words like "must" and "ought," as in "Things ought to be different," or "I must have (whatever) and if I don't, life's not worth living."

Do take a realistic look at yourself and your options. Suicide is not an option. It's an end. One way to stop suicidal thoughts is with humor. Laughing at yourself or your situation is better than hurting yourself. Remember: you are looking for change, not just escape.

Suicide is not an answer. It's the ultimate cop-out, the supreme "Blame Game," and you are the star at every position:

• You are the Victim. Permanently Dead.
• You are the Rescuer. Saved from life's challenges.
• You are the Persecutor. Punishing the people who care the most for you by dumping all your pain and guilt on them.

You see, there's no such thing as a painless suicide. You trade your pain for someone else's devastation. Maybe there'd be some satisfaction in that, but no real peace.

Real peace comes from the one who cares the most about you, and that's God. Even as you reach out for help from people around you, remember that you have a loving Father who created you and gave you the gift of life. He's given you good abilities and possibilities for overcoming the past and building a better future.

Here's his promise to you: "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11). Talk with a pastor about how to have the kind of relationship with God which will give you hope and guidance in dealing with your problems.

Reach for life. It's a gift. You owe it to yourself.