A Marriage That Lasts

BEGINNINGS

That relationships have a beginning place is self-evident. What may not be obvious is that there are several places a relationship may begin. Choosing the best place to begin a marriage relationship can strengthen the prospect of a durable and satisfying marriage.

Love at first sight, physical attraction, common interests, and curiosity are common beginnings for relationships. There is nothing wrong with these until the relationship moves toward marriage. If a man and a woman continue to rely on such beginnings as the basis for a marriage relationship, they set themselves up for trouble later, because the relationship must meet their needs to be successful. The beginning stage cannot satisfy needs for a lifetime.

What about love? Granted, the couple should be in love with each other, but statistics show that love is not enough to make a lasting marriage. Most couples who marry declare that they are in love; however, half of all marriages fail. Many couples say that commitment is the answer. Commitment is important, but many partners report that they are miserable and actually hate the spouse! Yet, they are committed to the marriage.

What can make the difference? Recent research shows that it is possible to predict the success or failure of a marriage based on the communication modeling of the partners' parents. Those partners who saw their parents communicate well have a much greater chance of being able to communicate with each other. Marriage relationships are strongest when they are based on commitment, communication, and a willingness to be flexible. One important aspect of communication is negotiation and re-negotiation. Negotiation is the process whereby couples communicate and practice flexibility.

MODELS

Ernest O. White illustrates the importance of negotiation in his book, The Art of Human Relations, published by Broadman, by comparing two relationship models. One he calls the ladder model and the other, the circular model. The first model is a ladder which represents the relationship. The ladder has four rungs, each a stage in the development of the relationship.

The first rung is the initiation stage, the place where the relationship begins. At this stage the couple either communicates or assumes certain contracts or understandings in the relationship. As they develop the relationship the couple stands on the second rung. On the third rung they perfect the relationship until they reach the top or fourth rung where they are achieving happiness. The model does not provide for backing down to a lower rung if needs cease to be met and the couple stops achieving happiness. They have to jump off the ladder and the relationship is broken.

Many couples apply the ladder model of relationships to their marriage. If the relationship works based on their original contracts, everything seems fine. If it doesn't, they usually do not recognize that their needs have changed and their contracts need to be renegotiated. They correctly assume that their needs will never be met; therefore, they end the relationship.

The circular model employs stages. At the top of the circle is the CONTRACT STAGE. The prospective bride and groom spend as much time as necessary in this stage learning to communicate expectations and desires for the relationship. They learn how to negotiate and renegotiate with each other when expectations do not agree.

About one fourth of the way clockwise around the circle is the COMMITMENT STAGE. Here the couple commit themselves to the contracts they have agreed upon in the first stage.

At the halfway mark on the circle the couple experiences PRODUCTIVITY. The relationship is working well, needs are being met, and they are establishing home, family, and careers.

Three quarters of the way around the circle they may begin to experience a PINCH. A relationship pinch occurs when one or both partners in a relationship begin to behave in a way which differs from the original expectations or contracts.

A pinch is not necessarily bad. It is a signal that the relationship is moving into a new stage of life, that someone in the relationship is growing and needs have changed, or that old ways of relating are becoming stale. The couple's contracts have become outdated and it is time to re-evaluate those contracts together.

RESPONSES

Three responses to the PINCH are possible. The first is to terminate the relationship. Many couples choose the second option: jumping across the circle to the commitment stage and re-committing themselves to the relationship. This leaves intact the basic problem of outdated contracts. No matter how strong the commitment, the pinch will become tighter. The couple becomes miserable as they are committed to a relationship which is not working.

The third response is to complete the circle and return to the contract stage where the couple can communicate new expectations, desires, and needs. As long as the couple is willing to be flexible, they can renegotiate contracts over and over again for the life of the relationship. They commit themselves to the new contracts for the relationship, remove the PINCH, and move on to PRODUCTIVITY once again. White stresses that renegotiation is an ongoing process and as such, gives the marriage flexibility, strength, and life because it gives the relationship the ability to meet the partners' needs.

A couple contemplating marriage would do well to spend as much time as necessary learning how to communicate and negotiate with each other. Many counselors and trained pastors offer premarital counseling to help couples establish the relationship contracts which will meet needs and to learn the skills necessary for renegotiating contracts as necessary in years to come.

Marriage partners who are experiencing the PINCH can begin to apply the circular model to their relationship by learning to communicate their expectations, needs, and desires for the marriage. Counseling can be an excellent source of help for them as well.

FOUNDATION

God has established the marriage relationship as an exclusive, special experience of relational intimacy which grows between a husband and a wife for life. Although not without problems, such a relationship is possible when a couple practices good communication motivated by the attitudes of love and respect found in the Bible in Ephesians 5:21-32.

The foundation for those attitudes begins with a personal relationship with God in Jesus Christ. God wants the best for your marriage. Let him help you apply good communication of love and respect in your marriage. Perhaps the problems in your marriage seem overwhelming and impossible. You may have thought, "This is just too much for me to handle any more." Jesus said, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30). Jesus is the solid foundation upon whom you can build your marriage.

We have prepared a page that explains how you can accept Jesus Christ’s gift of life. We invite you to go to, How to Become a Christian now, and let us know your decision. Perhaps you want to find a place in your local community where you can receive help and encouragement. We will be happy to refer you to a local Baptist church (Link to church referral request form) for help.

HELPFUL RESOURCES

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.