A Wife's Need for Intimacy

A critical element in any marriage is intimacy. Intimacy is the honest, selfless sharing of oneself with the spouse in all areas. A husband who understands his wife's intimacy needs will have a head start on achieving closeness and avoiding conflict. There are four needs in particular which most women share.

The first is the need for conversational intimacy. A wife needs someone who will listen actively without making judgments about what she is saying. Active listening does not mean giving answers or delivering a monologue! It is acting interested, looking her in the eye, nodding or murmuring your understanding. Don't interrupt her and don't act bored. Be prepared with interesting topics of conversation, and don't expect her to carry the whole conversational load. Share your thoughts with her and ask for her ideas on the subject.

Sometimes conversational intimacy takes the form of just being together in a companionable way. Talking isn't really needed. Just a touch or a smile can communicate volumes. Show her by your active presence that you enjoy being with her, and tell her so. Even watching TV or reading can be a shared activity if you let her know that you're aware of her presence and that you're glad she's there.

The second need is for emotional intimacy. A wife needs to know that her husband understands what she is feeling and is not afraid for her to share her emotions with him. This is usually a difficult task for men. Men tend to communicate intellectually and verbally in relationships. Women tend to relate on an emotional level. Generally, women are not afraid to feel, and most men have been taught to hide their feelings.

To say that wives communicate on a feeling level does not mean that women are unstable, illogical, and nervous. But a woman is more likely to focus on the feeling aspect of the relationship, and when a wife feels that she cannot communicate emotionally with her husband, the relationship suffers. The husband who endeavors to know what his wife is feeling is making a major investment in the marital relationship.

Picture a husband coming home from work to find his wife sitting on the couch crying. Should he:

1.        Ask her what's wrong?

2.        Tell her to stop crying?

3.        Be afraid, imagine the worst?

4.        Get mad and demand that she stop making a scene?

5.        Get frustrated and stalk out?

None of these options is geared to improving intimacy! Men usually do not want to "feel" the problem; they just want to solve it. A better approach is to sit with her, hold her hand and ask, "Is there anything I can do?" If she says no, accept that and let her know that you care and are there when she's ready to talk.

The third need is for physical intimacy. This is different from the sexual relationship, which is how most men define intimacy. Physical intimacy simply means the caring touch, the hugs, pats, smiles, the body language which communicates, "I appreciate you; I think you're special." Sadly, as marriages grow older, responsibilities increase, and time spent together decreases. A husband may be preoccupied or may think that outward expressions of affection are no longer important. Without communication and the spark of romance, a wife feels that her needs are discounted. She tends to avoid physical contact of any kind because she fears it will lead to impersonal, unromantic sex.

Yet a woman's fourth need is for sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy which is fulfilling for both partners only occurs when all other intimacy needs are met. It is not based on performance or frequency. To ensure the best sexual relationship in the marriage, the husband must see to it that his wife's conversational, emotional, and physical intimacy needs are met first. Without that, sex becomes routine and mechanical. The wife begins to view lovemaking as more of a duty and chore, rather than an expression of caring and closeness.

Priorities sometimes need to be rearranged to allow for this growth in closeness and romance. As important as children are to a family, they are not more important than the husband/wife relationship. As necessary as job and community obligations may be, they should not overshadow the time and energy given to the relationship.

Many couples have difficulty with intimacy because they lack the foundation of spiritual intimacy which comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. As marriage partners experience the selfless and unconditional love of God, they find the freedom of personal forgiveness and peace which overflows in the ability to give complete love and intimacy to their spouse. Couples experiencing difficulty with intimate communication should evaluate the spiritual dimension in Christ of their marriage.

If intimacy needs continue to be a problem, counseling may be a worthwhile investment of a couple's time and effort. In many cases the husband can strengthen his understanding and handling of intimacy needs by going to counseling by himself. Men's group counseling can be a very effective resource.