Coping with Mid-Life Crisis

Many adults in our society today are facing what has been called the "mid-life crisis." This experience is not unlike the upheaval that takes place during adolescence, when changes in physical, social, and emotional characteristics can cause a crisis of identity. In middle years, a person has to face the reality of frustrated vocational goals, waning physical strength, and personal dreams which may never be fulfilled. These frustrations take a heavy toll on a marriage. One partner may even center all the dissatisfaction in the marriage relationship itself, blaming the other spouse for the lack of personal fulfillment and happiness. The "if-it-weren't-for-you" attitude may result in efforts to break out of what is viewed as a restricting, empty relationship, so that the partner may move on to more exciting and fulfilling experiences.

These feelings do not arise overnight. Usually they have built up over a period of years because of a lack of communication and mutual concern for the relationship. After the birth of the children, a couple may experience a shift in their relationship. They may begin to relate to each other primarily as mother and father, neglecting the vital roles of husband and wife. As the children grow up, the couple are forced back to dependence on each other for fulfillment and intimacy. But after many years of relating only through the children, it is difficult to become lover and companion once again. Another factor may be the simple process of physical aging. The passing years may create a kind of "last chance" panic, in which an individual fights growing old. Such persons must prove to themselves and the world that they are still attractive and capable of competing with the younger set. They may begin to dress more youthfully, associate with younger persons, and become involved in more energetic activities.

The panic may also express itself in various kinds of compulsive behavior: drinking, drug dependency, or excessive patterns of work or recreation. All too frequently this compulsive behavior also includes sexual infidelity. The mate of past years may be viewed as a hindrance or barrier to personal fulfillment. In an effort to recapture the past, the individual may enter into an affair or a series of sexual encounters. S/he may move out of the home, file for divorce, or simply continue the affair and expect the spouse to accept it. Whatever the specific situation, patience, understanding, and wise action can enable a person to meet and deal with the conflict. It must be handled with sensitivity and optimism. There are years of shared experiences and feelings which can be called upon as a resource for salvaging the marriage and one's own personhood.

There are several practical steps which should be considered.

• First, a physical checkup is in order. For both male and female, the physical changes which occur in mid-life have a definite effect on behavior. Metabolism or the hormonal balance may need to be stabilized. Sometimes slight strokes manifest themselves in uncharacteristic behavior. There could be other physical factors as well. So if at all possible, insist on your spouse obtaining a complete physical.
• Second, seek counseling. Understanding is the first step to remedy. A counselor can view the situation objectively and help both of you to understand and cope with your feelings. Even if your partner will not go, go by yourself. A pastor, church counselor, or Family Service organization would be good resources for this kind of guidance.
• Finally, be open to the possibility of a need for change in your own life. This does not mean that harmful or inappropriate behavior should be placidly accepted. But insofar as these actions are signals of deeper needs, you may be able to learn from them so that you can help your spouse meet those needs in better ways. You may need to give your spouse room to expand and explore. You might need to encourage new interests and activities, and even participate in these and perhaps develop your own. It is important to realize that you can be independent without sacrificing mutual interdependence. This may give you the basis for rekindling some of that lost communication. Most of all, love is needed.

Letting your mate know that his/her happiness and fulfillment are important to you, too, and that your relationship together is important enough to you to fight for it, may call him/her to a sense of responsibility and may awaken a desire to give the marriage another chance.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, people have the assurance that God is with them always.