Relating to an Unbelieving Spouse

All marriages face challenges as two unique individuals strive to build a life together. For a Christian, faith provides the defining principle of life. When a man and a woman share that defining principle, the mutuality they seek in all areas can be built upon that foundation. When that mutuality is missing because one partner is unsaved or is out of fellowship with Christ, the challenge becomes greater. How then can a Christian best build a strong marriage with an unbelieving partner?

Challenges Common To All Marriages

To some extent, the important factors in building a marriage where one spouse is a Christian and the other is not are the same as the building blocks for any happy marriage:

• Commitment to be your own best self
• Commitment to the marriage
• Physical, emotional, sexual, and spiritual intimacy
• Realistic expectations
• Being friends
• Similar goals and activities
• A sense of humor
• Trust and honesty
• Time, hard work, and nurturing

But the importance of these factors takes on greater meaning and presents additional challenges in a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever.

Communication

Communication is a primary key to the success of any marriage. Most of us would do well to improve our communication skills. When there is a difference in faith these skills become particularly critical. The believing spouse needs to be alert to several aspects of communicating about the Christian faith.

It is natural to express the joy and love of Christ, but these expressions must not be used to manipulate, exclude, or belittle the unsaved spouse. Rather, the Christian needs to be sure to approach these expressions of faith from the positive perspective of sharing her/his own experience.

A most difficult area is communicating the desire for the partner to come to know the Lord. Most people agree that sharing their faith with family members is the most difficult kind of witnessing of all. There can be many reasons for this, and the marriage relationship intensifies all of them. It may be the most frustrating area of communication for the Christian spouse, because of all people, s/he most wants the one with whom s/he shares a life, to come to know that incomparable joy in Christ.

Yet, most in this situation find that it is not their verbal witness which brings the spouse to know the Lord. The Christian partner can pray for the unsaved spouse, communicate about the faith in natural, unthreatening ways, and live the transformed life before the other--but usually it is the witness of an outsider which the Holy Spirit finally uses to bring that partner to salvation.

Conflict

All marriages experience some degree of conflict. Sadly, in the believer/unbeliever marriage, conflict often relates directly to the believer's exercise of faith. The unbelieving spouse may resent time, energy, and especially money spent on Christian activities. It may become necessary for the believing partner to make some compromises, not in principles but in activity, in order to communicate the desire to work with the unbelieving partner to build commonality in the marriage.

It is important for Christians to understand the biblical principles of mutual submission in marriage. Some, especially wives, believe they must agree to everything their husbands demand, even setting aside their own faith, in order to "be a witness" to the spouse. A careful understanding of biblical submission will help each partner to realize that what is required is mutual respect. The believer must respect and accept the unbelieving spouse, just as she or he is. Similarly, the believer has the right to be who she or he is, without having to surrender identity or standards as a Christian, in order to be accepted by the unbelieving spouse.

Effective conflict management always seeks the level in which both partners can feel they have "won." Each gives and each receives. In conflict over the exercise of the Christian faith in the believer/unbeliever marriage, this same spirit of seeking the best for both must prevail.

Selective rather than comprehensive participation in church activities may be wise. If the unsaved spouse feels abandoned or neglected in favor of the church, there is likely to be a growing resentment toward both the partner and the church. Decide what church activities are most important; be willing to forego others if necessary in order to spend time with the spouse. Maintain the home/family responsibilities, so there can be no complaint that the church is contributing to the disruption of the marriage.

A major problem can arise regarding the stewardship of money. In all matters, for the Christian the first approach is to seek God's leadership. This may be especially critical in the area of giving when a non-Christian spouse is involved. If the believer works outside the home and therefore obviously and directly contributes to family income, s/he may easily be able to tithe that income.
If a believing spouse contributes to the family by maintaining the home while the other partner works, there may be more of a problem. It should be reasonable for the believer to be considered as being responsible for half of the family income and to tithe on that amount. In any event, each spouse should have some money designated in the family budget for discretionary spending. If no other agreement can be reached, the believer could tithe based on his/her own discretionary funds.

Seeking Mutuality

Marriages are built on mutuality--common goals, interests, and values. When one partner is motivated by the Christian faith in the defining of goals and standards, and the other is motivated by the goals and standards of the world, there is an inevitable lack of mutuality at the core. That makes the building of mutuality wherever it can be found even more critical in these marriages.

The Christian and the unbelieving spouse have differing primary life goals. The Christian's goal is to glorify God in every aspect of life. That goal cannot be shared by the unbelieving spouse. Yet, it is possible to develop mutual goals for the marriage. While the Christian will still seek to glorify God in and through the home and the family, this does not exclude but rather encourages working together with the other partner toward mutually important goals. Child-rearing, vocation, community involvement, lifestyle, etc. are areas in which the two partners can share even if one approaches these aspects of life from a faith perspective and the other approaches them from a secular perspective.

The marriage partners need to find and develop common interests and activities wherever possible. Christians and non-Christians can enjoy similar types of music, entertainment, and recreational activities. Some of these common interests provided the initial spark which brought these two people together; partners who want to build their marriage will continually seek points of commonality.

This may be somewhat more difficult if the unbeliever wants to participate in activities which are in conflict with Christian standards. It is then important for each partner to respect the other and maintain his/her own standards. God does not expect us to violate his guidelines for living in order to please a spouse. The Christian can decline to participate in inappropriate activities, such as going to bars, or may insist on an agreement that s/he will not be expected or pressured to engage in actions which are against Christian morals.

What about church-related social functions? These may be good opportunities for the Christian to invite the spouse to share in an occasion where s/he can see firsthand how Christians enjoy life. Yet, the invitation should always be exactly that--an invitation. The Christian spouse does not want to be coerced to attend functions which would be contrary to Christian standards, so s/he must be very careful not to coerce the other to attend Christian functions.

Spiritual Education of the Children

The Christian parent wants nothing more than to bring his/her children to know the Lord and see them grow in him. The Christian spouse may need quietly to exercise the freedom of parenthood to take the children to church and teach them the faith. There need be no apology for this; it can simply be assumed. The other parent has the opportunity to teach the children in matters s/he considers important, and this is the most important of all matters to the Christian parent. Going about it in the right way can win the tolerance of the unsaved spouse, and hopefully even his/her cooperation.

It is possible, and always the hope, that children may be the channel through which the unsaved parent will be drawn to the Lord. Yet, the Christian parent needs to be very careful to exercise respect for the unbelieving parent. The children should never be used as tools to manipulate the other parent into accepting the Christian faith. Being non-Christian does not necessarily mean one is not a good parent. Never demean the unsaved spouse to the children; never undermine his/her authority as a parent; always work together as parents for the good of the children.

Without A Word

Perhaps the most valuable word of hope and encouragement to the believing spouse of an unbeliever comes from 1 Peter 3:1-2: "...if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives [or husbands], when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." Your hope comes in continuing to love your marriage partner, to let your faith be seen in your acts of love as you build your lives together. Your highest hope likely is for this one whom you so love to come to know the joy you know in Christ. As you live the life of joy and purity in the presence of your spouse, you can trust God to do his own work of grace in the life of your partner.