Coping with your Parents' Divorce

Marital conflict and divorce are traumatic experiences for any family. As with all tough issues, there is only one thing to do: face the situation and attempt to deal with it realistically. Try to make the choices which appear to be best for you in the long run.

Remember that you are not responsible for the decisions of the adults in your life. They must make their choices on the basis of their emotions, needs, and standards of values. You cannot control their actions or take responsibility for them. It is not up to you to "make them happy" or to keep them from being hurt or lonely.

In this sort of experience, young people must deal with feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, or bitterness. When a person has been hurt it is not uncommon to be angry or to blame the others involved. Usually this occurs when young people have an unrealistic view of adult relationships. As you undoubtedly know, parents are not perfect; they do make mistakes. They are not all-powerful. Often they find themselves in a position of having to do things they may not like, but cannot completely control.

Another factor is the complexity of human relationships. The roots of human problems go deep, often into early childhood. Parents may be caught in the crosscurrents of unfortunate experiences or inappropriate patterns of action or an inability to cope maturely with problems. If young people can evaluate the situation clearly enough to see some of these patterns, it may help them to be more understanding and accepting towards their parents and toward the situation as it develops.

At any rate, it is a waste of time and energy to blame persons or conditions for the events that cause us pain. No matter where the fault lies, being resentful will not change the facts. The important matter is to refuse to blame people, yourself, parents, or others involved for what may have happened in the past, and start doing things that will make the future happier.

Second, realize that even if your parents cease to be husband and wife, your relationship with each of them need not be terminated. Parents divorce each other, not their children. Of course many aspects of family life will be different, but not all change is bad. With acceptance, understanding, and determination, even such an unfortunate event can bring growth. Some have found they develop a deeper relationship with each of their parents after a divorce than they had before. If there has been considerable conflict within the home, the new arrangement may bring a sense of peace and tranquility. Often young people, discovering that they are really happier in the new situation, may feel a little guilty about it; but in reality it is entirely appropriate to seek out and celebrate whatever good can come from what is basically a painful experience.

In any family situation, each individual has an obligation to help set the climate of the home. But remember that you are only responsible for your own feelings and actions. You can let both of your parents know that you care about them and are concerned for them. You can be as loving and accepting as possible, without internalizing the conflict or allowing yourself to be used as a pawn or a weapon between them. Reach out towards things which are fulfilling for yourself, and invest your energies in these, rather than in fruitless anxiety or regrets about past events.

Stay in touch with your own feelings. It may even be wise to talk with someone about your anxieties; pastor or youth worker at a local church, a counselor at school or a Family Services agency, or even a trusted relative or parent of one of your close friends. These can be good resources for ventilating your feelings and gaining insights for coping with your problems. You might encourage your parents to obtain counseling for themselves, if that would seem to be helpful. You might also suggest self-help groups to them, such as Parents Without Partners, or church or community groups designed to help families adjust to divorce.

Finally, don't hesitate to share yourself with God. He already knows your feelings and fears, and he understands. He wants to help you and your family to live a creative, fulfilled life, and he promises in every experience, no matter how painful or fractured, to provide a saving possibility. His mercy and strength are available to each of you as a resource for the future.

Copyright 2004 North American Mission Board, SBC
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