Living in a Blended Family

More and more people today are faced with the challenge of living as a stepfamily. When people who have previously known each other only on a superficial level find themselves having to coexist in the intimacy of a home, there quite naturally will be a certain amount of friction. The process of adjustment and learning to live together can be made easier by following certain principles for relationships.

ACCEPTANCE VS. BLAMING

The first thing to consider is that the child-rearing years are a time of adjustment and friction within nearly every family. In a "blended family," special problems may complicate the picture, but some of the difficulties may simply be part of the normal process in family relationships. Don't be too quick to blame problems on the "step" factor. Even more, don't automatically assume that there will be problems. Some people set themselves up for difficulty by having negative expectations. A positive attitude can do much to head off problems.

Second, remember that people naturally tend to react with hostility or anger when they feel threatened. When a family has been disrupted by divorce, the child and parent who remain together share a unique relationship. They have already weathered one trauma together in adjusting to the breakup of the home. If the parent finds a new companion, the son or daughter may view that person as an intruder who makes claims on the parent's time, energy, resources, and affections. He/she may feel displaced, threatened, and neglected.

Likewise the stepparent may resent the children who came along with the marriage as a "package deal." Stepbrothers and sisters may be angry at the upheaval in their lifestyle caused by the parents' choice.

ACTING VS. REACTING

It is natural to be angry or resentful if one feels powerless or mistreated. But sometimes we assume that we have less control than we really have. True, none of us has the power to control others or force them to change or make the decisions we want. But we can control our own actions, and sometimes this can bring surprising changes. Blaming or being resentful will not change the reality of the situation. But facing it squarely and looking for ways to bring about a more positive relationship can help produce a more compatible home environment.

As with most problems, communication is vital. The parent and child need to talk about the problem together. Then the two need to communicate with the stepparent about what each should expect from and contribute to the relationship. Having a clear-cut understanding about responsibilities, expectations, discipline, and other facets of the relationship can help to head off conflict and misunderstanding.

A contract is a good tool in that kind of discussion--coming to specific agreements which everyone is willing to accept and putting them down clearly on paper. If possible, such agreements should be worked out before the marriage. Even then, it's important to be flexible as changes in circumstances require shifts in the patterns of relating. Frequently it is necessary to renegotiate and come to new understandings about the role each will play.

UNDERSTANDING VS. ASSUMPTIONS

In developing that kind of communication, each family member needs to view the situation as objectively as possible, trying to see the many complex factors involved. It is so easy for youth to see parents only in terms of their function, to forget that they are human beings with needs and fears of their own. The children need to be alert to the parent's feelings, to realize that a remarried parent has a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty regarding the situation. Having already experienced one failure, s/he is very concerned for making the second marriage work. Everything else may take second place to that goal--even the children's feelings and needs. If the young person understands and accepts that reality, it can help to make sense out of some of the parent's actions or attitudes.

Likewise the parent needs to consider the anxiety, resentment, and uncertainty about the future which the children may be feeling. Parents often are so focused on dealing with problems of discipline or providing for physical needs that they fail to take children's emotional needs seriously. And for the stepparent there is the challenge of stepping into a new situation in which s/he is the outsider, trying to build a relationship which may not be what the s/he would have chosen either. The children may be viewed as problems or threats rather than as individuals. A willingness to consider the other person's point of view may call forth more acceptance and understanding in response.

So each individual should try to have a realistic and accepting attitude toward the other; not expecting more than the person can give, but being willing to accept what the other can give and to meet each other half way. Family members must be willing to recognize that others in the family are neither the saints nor the monsters which they have imagined them to be, but simply human beings with the same needs for acceptance and love.

COOPERATION VS. HOSTILITY

The more involvement in decision-making which each family member can exercise, the greater hope for harmony and mutual respect in the household. Family conferences, times for communication, a readiness to listen, and freedom to share feelings and ideas should be high priorities in the blended family. Participating together in recreation, church activities, and family tasks can build mutuality. Allowing for definite spheres of responsibility and personal independence can lead to a healthy respect for the needs and feelings of others. And having a clear understanding about areas of authority, especially in the matters of discipline and parental control will help to prevent conflict and misunderstanding.

Finally, it helps to remember that love is not like a pie with only so much for each person, so that the more one gets, the less the others will have. Rather, love is like a spring of water. A person can give large amounts of it to a number of people. If each family member is willing to set aside the crippling games of "if only" and "if-it-weren't-for-you", then problems can be faced in an honest, realistic way, and there will be new possibilities for growth for each individual.

If sincere efforts at communication do not resolve the problems that arise, it may be necessary to get personal counseling. A pastor or a counselor at school or a community agency such as a Mental Health Association could help family members express their feelings, evaluate the situation, and identify the best approach to resolving the conflict.

The most important source of strength and understanding is to be found in the guidance which God offers in a relationship with Jesus Christ. Centering the home on God's truth and law brings a sense of unity and mutual purpose which overcomes selfishness and resentment. Scriptures such as Ephesians 4:31-5:2, Philippians 4:6-7, 1 Peter 3:9-10, II Peter 1:5-7, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11-13 are God's message of hope and strength to the blended family.