Living with a Stepparent

More and more young people today are faced with the challenge of adjusting to life with a stepparent. The process of adjustment and learning to live together can be made easier by keeping in mind certain principles for family relationships.

The first thing to consider is that the teen and young adult years are a time of adjustment and friction within nearly every family. In a "blended family," special problems may complicate the picture, but some of the difficulties may simply be part of the normal process in family relationships. So don't be too quick to blame problems on the "step" factor.

Second, remember that people naturally tend to react with hostility or anger if they feel threatened. If your family has been disrupted by death or divorce, you and your parent share a unique relationship. You have already weathered one trauma together in adjusting to the breakup of the home. You may feel this new companion is an intruder who takes away much of your parent's time, energy, and affections. You may feel displaced, threatened, and neglected. If there are other stepchildren involved, each of you may be feeling resentful and upset about the situation. And the new spouse has the challenge of stepping into a new situation in which s/he is the outsider, trying to build a relationship which may not be what s/he would have chosen either. If you can see this person's point of view you may get more acceptance and understanding in response.

It is natural to be angry or bitter when you feel powerless or mistreated. But sometimes we assume that we have less control than we really have. True, none of us has the power to control others or force them to change or make the decisions we want. But we can control our own actions, and sometimes this can bring surprising changes. Blaming or being resentful will not change the reality of the situation. But facing it squarely and looking for ways to bring about a more positive relationship can help produce a more compatible home environment.

As with most problems, communication is vital. You and your parent need to talk about the problem together. Then you need to communicate with the new spouse about what each should expect from and contribute to the relationship. Having a clear-cut understanding about responsibilities, expectations, discipline, and other facets of the relationship can help to head off conflict and misunderstanding. A contract is a good tool in that kind of discussion--coming to specific agreements which everyone is willing to accept and putting them down clearly on paper.

In developing that kind of communication, each of you needs to view the situation as objectively as possible, trying to see the many complex factors involved. It is so easy for youth to see parents only in terms of their function, to forget that they are human beings with needs and fears of their own. Try to be alert to your parent's feelings, to realize that a remarried parent has a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty regarding the situation. Having already experienced one failure, s/he is very concerned for making the second marriage work. Everything else may take second place to that goal--even your feelings and needs. If you understand and accept that reality, it can help to make sense out of some of your parent's actions or attitudes.

Don't be afraid to communicate calmly and clearly about the anxiety, resentment, and uncertainty about the future which you may be feeling. Parents often are so focused on dealing with problems of discipline or providing for physical needs that they fail to take children's emotional needs seriously.

If these efforts at communication do not resolve the problem, it may be necessary to get personal counseling. A pastor or a counselor at school or a community agency such as a Mental Health Association could help family members express their feelings, evaluate the situation, and identify the best approach to resolving the conflict. Most of all, talk with God about your needs. Check his message to you in Ephesians 4:31-5:2 and Romans 8:28. Trust him to guide you and give you wisdom to overcome your problems.