Constructive Discipline

Discipline means setting and adhering to standards of behavior. Discipline is an essential preparation for adjusting to the outside world; it makes a child better behaved and happier.

The most important ingredients are firmness and immediacy. A positive approach--"Do this"--is more effective than "Don't do that." Other important qualities of constructive discipline are:

1. Be consistent: Don't undermine the rules set by your spouse. Disagreements regarding childrearing must be resolved in privacy--never in front of the children.

2. Be clear: Establish a few simple rules and spell them out clearly in advance. The child should never be confused about what the rules are.

3. Administer in private: If possible, never punish a child in front of anyone. This tends to antagonize the child and he or she may continue to misbehave to save face.

4. Be reasonable and understanding: Explain the reason why a child is being given directions: "The stove is hot, please keep away so you will not be burned." However, don't be afraid to say on occasions, "Do it because I say so." In addition, try to understand a child's point of view and meet him or her halfway. This will give a sense of closeness and cooperation.

5. Be flexible: Bargaining is an effective tool. On occasion, it is good for both the parents and the child to be able to bend the rules a little. Also, what works with one child will not necessarily work with another. The child's individual personality enters into it.

6. Discourage continued dependency: Try to give a child an ever-expanding role in making decisions affecting his or her life. As children reach adolescence, encourage independence, knowing that you have done all you could to form good behavior patterns.

7. Be authoritative: If you are hesitant or indecisive, or if you feel guilty about disciplining children, you may not do a good job. Remember that you have years of experience, so stick to your decisions. Never let a child talk you out of a punishment you believe necessary. Have the courage to call on and trust your own common sense.

Be certain that you punish when you say you will. Be firm by "saying what you mean and meaning what you say." And punish as soon after the misdeed as possible; deal with the problem at the moment. Don't put an extra burden on the other parent by saying, "Just wait until your father comes home," or "Go ask your mother."

When a child hurts another person or destroys property, the child should apologize and, when necessary, make restitution from his or her own money. Sending children to their rooms or depriving them of something they enjoy doing is usually an effective punishment. With the very young child who cannot yet understand and respond to reason, there are times when spanking--a quick smack on the backside-may be necessary. But a child should never be beaten, hit on the head, or struck in order to relieve parental anger.

Discipline is best "caught" rather than taught. Parents who first discipline themselves in a purposeful and positive way will be able to communicate the principles of respect for others, cooperation, caring, honesty, kindness, and integrity to their children. The goal is a gradual decrease in the amount of discipline the parent must enforce from without, and a steady increase in the inner control which will enable the child to discipline him/herself.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, people have the assurance that God is with them always.