Living with Adult Children

As new patterns of family living emerge in our society, more and more families are having to learn to cope with older children living at home. The time of independence for young adults is continually pushed back further and further. The increased necessity for higher education delays that time when young people can be independent. And, unfortunately, we are seeing a pattern of young adults who do not wish to take responsibility for themselves, and thus are either reluctant to leave home or who return home when they get into a financial bind.

Whatever the circumstances, there are several guidelines which can be helpful. The first and foremost, as in any relationship, is communication. Both sides need a clear understanding of what the other expects. There should be a frank and honest discussion about the arrangement and what each needs from the other. Such a discussion should include things like household chores, usage of family facilities such as the washing machine or TV, mealtimes, or notifying others about schedules and curfews.

The second important guideline--and one which undergirds the first--is respect. Unless each family member respects and honors the privacy or rights of the other, there will be friction and misunderstanding. The young person is entitled to the rights and privileges of an adult, even though at this time s/he is dependent on the parents. But in turn s/he owes them consideration, respect, and cooperation. Out of this respect grows an appreciation for the other person as an individual with needs, feelings, expectations, and anxieties.

The most difficult thing about the arrangement, of course, is the need to renegotiate the relationship. It is so easy for the parents to continue thinking of the young person as their little boy or girl--and often the young person may fall into that pattern as well. On the other hand, the young person may continue to think of the parents as merely a source of support, to see them only in terms of their function, and not as individual persons. When that parent/child relationship can evolve into an adult/adult relationship, something very fine and rewarding is accomplished.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, people have the assurance that God is with them always.