Establishing Independence

Many young adults experience conflict in the process of establishing independence from parents. There are two ways in which this difficulty may occur. Sometimes the conflict is between the young adult and the parents, for parents are often reluctant to face the fact that their "little boy" or "baby girl" is now an adult. Sometimes the conflict is within the young adult who feels ready for independence, yet experiences anxiety about breaking away from the familiar, secure environment of home.

It's important for both the young adult and the parents to remember that God's design for this world includes children growing up and becoming independent of parents (Genesis 2:24). This does not mean that love ceases or the relationship ends. On the contrary, it is the opportunity for the whole family to move to a new level of relationship--different, but equally satisfying and rewarding in its own way.

When a young adult feels it is time to establish new patterns of independence from parents, the first step is to talk frankly with them about the choice. They need to see this as a positive step, not a rejection of them or their concern and interest. After the initial adjustment, they may find, as many parents have, that there is freedom and joy in being "just a couple" again, now that the responsibility of the child-rearing task has been completed. There is pride, delight, and freedom in relating to the son or daughter as an adult, without the burden of modeling, molding, giving guidance, and making decisions. Thus, the young adult's move toward independence could be an experience of growth and learning for each person.

If parents are resistant to this process of expanding independence, the young adult may need help to find ways of coping which lead to understanding and harmony rather than conflict and hurt feelings. Talking with a third person can be a help; family member whose opinions they respect, a minister at their church, a counselor at a community agency. It may also be helpful to read and share with them literature on the topic, using it as a springboard for discussion about the sorts of arrangements which would be reasonable and appropriate under the given circumstances.

If, after a time of frank and open communication, parents still are resistant, the young adult may need to assert him/herself to make these decisions independently. Feelings of guilt or obligation should not hinder a person from making the choices which s/he knows are right in the long run. If young adults have acted in a responsible and mature way, they have fulfilled their obligations of duty and respect toward their parents. At that point, their obligation is to themselves to become mature people capable of making their own decisions, supporting themselves, and exercising control over their own lives. In that process, they show their parents the greatest degree of respect possible. Reaching their fullest potential as persons is the best way young adults can thank parents for their many gifts of love and care, starting with the gift of life itself.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, families have the assurance that God is with them always.