Coping with Strict Parents

The teen years should be a time in which the reins of responsibility are passed from parent to child. The parents' goal is to help the adolescent become a mature individual, capable of making wise decisions which will result in a happy, productive life. The young person's goal should be to demonstrate that s/he is becoming mature, by accepting responsibility and being dependable in the tasks that have been given. Freedom is always tied to responsibility. As people show themselves to be trustworthy, they deserve to receive more privileges. The key to the whole process is timing and progression.

In the early teen years, parents have a right to have their opinions prevail, simply because a person at that stage does not have the social skills or maturity to handle many pressures. Of course at any age, a young person has a right to be heard, to express his or her opinion in a calm, logical, reasonable manner. This is where family conferences come in. Many hassles can be averted by each sharing his or her ideas, and then agreeing together on compromises and solutions. Keeping the lines of communication open and knowing where the limits are can keep a family from getting into situations where conflicts are unavoidable.

As young people progress through the teen years, they should be ready to accept more and more responsibility, so that by the age of 18, they should be totally making their personal decisions. The final year in high school should be like a halfway house, in which young people manage their own life, but with parental guidance and support to fall back on when they need it. The way to reach that point is through steadily accepting responsibility and proving their trustworthiness.

Two things can help: compromise and a contract. Young people can ask parents to sit down together and draw up a realistic schedule for a progressively widening social life and range of freedom. Parents can be asked to agree to a gradual but steady increase in the freedom the young person exercises in making decisions.

A contract is a good tool. This involves listing together the responsibilities the parents expect the child to assume. Then the young person can list the freedoms which are needed or wanted, and bargain with them that as long as s/he abides by their list, the parents will grant the privileges on the second list. A regular schedule by which the contract can be renegotiated can be set up, with further privileges being granted as dependability is shown.

Teens sometimes are tempted to buck the system, to sneak around, to make demands and create noisy scenes. This nearly always makes things worse instead of better. Their task at this point is to show parents they are becoming mature. Anything which works against this process will only create more difficulties in the long run. Why win one battle and lose the whole war? It's far better to win the privileges wanted through honest, open communication and through a pattern of accepting responsibility.

Occasionally, if parents are absolutely uncooperative, it helps to have an outside arbiter, a grandparent, uncle or aunt, pastor, church youth worker, favorite teacher, or even the parent of a close friend, who can help both sides see the other's viewpoint and offer guidance in making compromises. The Bible gives us the best approach of all: "Get rid of all bitterness, passion, and anger. No more shouting or insults, no more hateful feelings of any sort. Instead, be kind and tenderhearted to one another, and forgive one another, as God has forgiven you through Christ" (Ephesians 4:31-32).

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, parents and their teens have the assurance that God is with them always.