Helping Your Children Cope with Their Fears

Everybody is afraid of something; most of us experience a variety of fears regularly. For most adults the common fears of life are not debilitating--we have learned to handle them by putting them in perspective.

Young children, however, are just learning about the world, and there is so much to frighten them--animals and witches and doctor's offices and school and shadows that make strange shapes on the wall at night and strangers and blood oozing out of their body and oh, so many terrifying things! It is harder for children to put their fears in perspective and find effective ways of handling them. Parents can help by understanding and guiding the child to develop coping mechanisms.

What Kinds of Things Frighten Children?

Though children may fear many different kinds of people, animals, and situations, their fears are likely to fall into one of several general categories. Understanding these major categories of fears can help parents know how to approach their children's fears.

First, children fear the unknown. Remember, children are just learning about the world, and much of it is strange and therefore frightening to them. They don't know what to expect of new situations, and they often feel powerless to handle them.

Next, children fear abandonment or being alone. After all, if the world is such a frightening place, who would want to have to face it without Mom and Dad to protect me? The abandonment or aloneness fear can manifest itself not only when parents leave for a short period (the child may have no assurance they will come back), but also in situations of illness or divorce.

Another general category of fear relates to a child's own body. She may not understand how her body works and may be afraid it will fail to function properly. Or he may fear situations which seem to present a threat to bodily safety. Illness or injury to another person may cause her to fear for her own welfare.

When a child begins to have some sense of right and wrong, fears related to conscience begin to develop. The child knows the importance of responding to authority and fears punishment if the rules are not obeyed. Gradually children develop higher levels of moral decision-making, but in the younger years the primary motivation is fear. Also in this general category are children's fears that they are responsible for some unhappy event--I wet the bed so Daddy left us; I wished I had never had a little brother, and he got sick.

Finally, children (and even adults) deal with fears related to self-concept. The fear that I am not acceptable for some reason remains with many people throughout life, and learning to accept the person I am is one of the most significant tasks any person must accomplish.

How Can Parents Help Their Children Cope With Their Fears?

Realize first that the child's fears are real. Even if the object of the fear is not real (vampires really do not roam freely through children's bedrooms), the fear itself is real and must be treated with compassion and understanding. So ridiculing a child's fears or shaming the child for expressing a fear (however unreasonable to the adult) is the worst possible way of helping the child cope with the fear.

Instead, acknowledge the fear and probe for the reason. Realize that your child probably can't answer the direct question, "Why are you afraid of this?" Rather, you may need to recall or suggest possibilities. Has there been a frightening experience recently? A scary movie? Disasters reported on TV news? Gently encourage the child to talk about the fears and uncover the reason behind them. In the process, the child may begin to learn to distinguish between what is real and what is imagined.

Another common tactic that usually results in more harm than good is forcing a child to face the object of his fear. For example, forcing a child who fears water to jump into the deep end of a swimming pool is more likely to reinforce the fear than to allay it. A few children, taken into the shallow end of the pool, might discover how much fun it is and get over their fear, but most will be so frightened by the prospect of going in that they cannot allow themselves to enjoy the experience.

However, gradual desensitization can help with fears related to frightening people, objects, or situations. If a child is frightened of going to the dentist, defuse the fear with a specially-selected book about a visit to a dentist, followed perhaps by acting out a scene in which he is the dentist. Games can help, too. If you have a dentist who is willing to work with you (and if you don't, try to find one!), perhaps a "pre-visit," in which the child is treated to a guided tour of the dentist's office, can help.

Some fears will be outgrown without any specific action. If the feared situation is one which can be avoided without interfering significantly with the child's enjoyment of life or with necessary family routines it might be best simply to acknowledge some fears and wait to let the child outgrow them.

For example, it is common for children between the ages of 3 and 5 to fear animals. Most children will gradually overcome this fear on their own. If the child can maintain "safe" distances from animals, and if the fear does not kick in even at the sight of an animal, the parent might simply acknowledge the fear and suggest that the child enjoy looking at the kitty from a distance.

Remember that some fears are important protections. You want your child to be afraid of the hot stove, of running into the street, and of allowing a stranger to have too much freedom with her. The goal is to help the child learn to distinguish between these protective fears and the fears which prevent him from enjoying life.

Probably the best approach overall in helping children cope with their fears is parental compassion, coupled with an understanding of what is really going on. Always acknowledge your child's fear, then help her to put it in perspective--"I can understand how nervous you are about the first day of school. It's a little frightening when you don't know what to expect. Let's talk about some of the situations that might come up and how you can handle them."

Fears which become intense, last beyond an appropriate age, are multiple and debilitating, or result in frequent nightmares signal a need for professional help. A child or family counselor can help the child to identify the internal signals which are producing the fears, and can help the entire family learn how to cope effectively.

Most of all, remember the primary spiritual resource of a relationship with God available to both you and your child. Help your child to understand that God knows all about her fears and cares about her. He wants to help her have a good life, and she can talk with him about the things which frighten her.