Overprotective Parents

The problem of overprotective parents is one of the toughest which young people have to face. Unfortunately, some parents do not know how to express love in positive ways. Their concern for the child's welfare and desire to be "good parents" may cause them to stifle the child's growth. This kind of parenting has rightly been called "smother love."

In healthy families, parents allow for a gradual progression of increasing independence. Discipline, rules, standards and expectations are applied in direct ratio to age. In younger years children need a great deal of guidance and control in order to prevent serious and harmful mistakes from being made. But as they grow in maturity and experience, they are capable of making more choices for themselves. They can begin to deal with the consequences of their mistakes.

The parent who tries to protect the child totally from this process does the young person no favor. "Smother love" produces emotional cripples, persons incapable of making decisions and exercising responsibility. A parent who gives the child an appropriate range of freedom and encourages the process of independence is saying, "I trust you, I believe in you, I want you to be your best self. And I am always here to help if you need me." Parents who are unable to do this may make it impossible for their children ever to feel genuine affection or appreciation for them. That is a tragic experience for both the parents and the young person.

Young people have a right to be heard, but there are effective ways to go about making points and there are ways which are counterproductive. Young people who are experiencing "smother love" should study their parents and try to understand their attitudes and motives. They should keep the lines of communication open and try to identify the influences which may cause parents to be uptight about some of their choices. The young person needs to find ways to reassure parents, either by showing them they are mistaken in their evaluation or by being patient and waiting for a more effective time to pursue the subject. It is important to be willing to accept realistic restrictions. Cooperation in one area could win concessions in more important things.

In some cases, when even a mature attitude and patient cooperation are not enough to change a parent's attitude, it can help to have the input of a third person. Sometimes a relative, family friend, or another parent whose opinion the parents respect can influence and help the situation. If there are seminars on parent/teen relationships offered in the community, perhaps through a school or church, the young person should try to get the parents to participate in them. A minister or youth director could be asked to plan the kind of dialogue situation where parents can be exposed to the ideas and values of other families. Personal counseling can also help both sides to ventilate feelings and cope with frustrations. A minister, youth worker, or community agency would be a good resource for that kind of help.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, parents and their children have the assurance that God is with them always.