Coping with Unloving Parents

There are no easy ways to cope with parents who don't seem to love or care about their children. Parenthood should be one of the most rewarding and enriching experiences of life. If a person is unable to let himself love his own children, it is tragic for both the young person and for the parent.

One approach to the problem is to try to understand the dynamics involved. Actions or attitudes do not materialize out of thin air. They are prompted by emotions deep within the personality or by experiences of the past. The inherited traits of temperament or personality, the way a parent was raised, the attitudes instilled by the grandparents, the experiences of rejection or inadequacy encountered in childhood, the lack of positive experiences of growth and development throughout life: these sorts of factors can cause a person to develop into the sort of individual who is incapable of giving love.

Such a person is crippled, just as surely as if s/he had a physical handicap. If a parent has a disease which prevents him/her from being able to do things with the family or have a normal range of activities, the children in that home would be regretful and yearn for it to be otherwise. But they would not be bitter or blame the sick person for the situation. In much the same way, a person may be handicapped by emotions and prevented from being able to express or give love.

When a person has been hurt, it is not uncommon to be angry or resentful towards those involved. But it is a waste of time or energy to blame the persons or conditions that cause us pain. No matter where the fault lies, being resentful will not change the facts. The important point is to start doing things which will make your future happier, to focus on the good aspects of life, and to reach out toward persons who can give the emotional support and acceptance which we all need.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with unloving parents--either in a present situation or for the person emotionally abused as a child:

1.        Evaluate your situation to see what might be accomplished through communication, cooperation, compromise and a spirit of acceptance. Accept responsibility for the facets of the problem which are rightly your concern, but don't internalize the hostility or rejection which may be projected onto you. Don't allow your self-esteem to be undermined, but try to involve yourself in activities where you can reinforce your own sense of worth.

2.        Remember that you can't make a person love you. Some children try for years to get love from a parent who just cannot or will not give it. This only makes for greater frustration and bitterness. Instead, look for love from the people who are capable of giving it. You will find there are many of them eager to help you and guide you: other relatives, teachers, youth workers and ministers at church, older friends.

3.        Counseling can be an excellent way to learn to handle your feelings and find ways to improve the relationship. A minister or a counselor at a community agency would be a good resource for this kind of help.

4.        Remember that how you feel about your family is not nearly so important as how you feel about yourself. Having a poor home environment is an excellent way of learning how not to live. Don't allow these bad experiences to sour you on life or cause you to make choices which are harmful to yourself. Trying to escape from problems only intensifies them. Becoming emotionally ill or involving yourself in harmful activities as a way of escaping hurts you more than anybody.

5.        Open your life to God's guidance and care, for He can give you the acceptance and security which you need to work through these kinds of problems. He is a Friend who is concerned about every portion of your life and who wants to help you be a free and happy individual.