Teenagers and Motivation

Parents at times have difficulty understanding their teenager's motivations. Perhaps it has something to do with being so close to the situation. Parents want the very best for their children, and it is baffling to them when their teenager seems unable to make good, moral, or healthy choices. Parents often experience frustration when attempts to understand the teen's motivations fail.

Part of learning to deal with this behavior and the frustration it brings is to understand the child's feelings and motivations. Teens rely very heavily on emotions to determine reality. Parents sometimes feel that the teenager's thinking has become totally disorganized--"Has she completely lost her mind?" "What is he thinking of?" In such situations, the teen is probably acting on feelings rather than thoughtful conclusions. Since parents are not feeling what the teen is feeling, these "irrational" actions make no sense. Even the teenager may not fully understand the emotion which is driving the behavior. Many parents have heard "I dunno!" in response to the question, "What in the world were you thinking when you did that?" A more productive question might be, "What are you feeling?"

During the hormonal changes of the teen years, feelings become more intense with sudden emergence and erratic swapping of emotions. What is strongly felt by the teen one day may not be important to him/her the next. The teen may engage in certain behaviors just to see if anyone can identify with his/her feelings. If the young person feels unloved, alone, or unvalued, s/he may behave in a harmful way to find out if anyone cares enough to react. The insecure teen may "act out" in a desperate attempt to test the extent of the parent's love. The actions are a cry, "How bad do I have to be before someone stops me?"

Teens have to be helped to learn that feelings do not always tell us the truth. We have to learn to think through our feelings and then make a choice about what to do about them. Through openness to those feelings and honest communication--which involves a willingness to listen--a parent can help the child identify and analyze whatever emotions are churning within. The teen should be encouraged to be honest, and to use his/her own logic. If parents are careful not to react out of their own negative emotions ("How can you be so stupid?" "Don't you care what you're doing to me?") they can both come to the point of realizing that the feelings are not the problem. The challenge is to pinpoint what the emotion really is and then to choose positive ways to express the feeling or meet the need.

This of course assumes that the parents are secure about themselves and in touch with their own feelings, so that they can relate calmly and supportively. This calls for self-examination on the part of the parents, perhaps thinking back to their own adolescence and remembering the intensity and confusion of the feelings which they went through. Helping a teen learn how to evaluate feelings means investing much time and patience developing an honest and non-judgmental rapport.

SOME SPECIFIC SUGGESTIONS:

Ask questions which help young people think about their emotions. Don't tell them what to think or try to argue them out of their feelings. Feelings are not bad or good. How one responds to feelings definitely can be healthy or unhealthy. For instance, if a child expresses a feeling of being angry or not being trusted, ask for specifics about the feeling and ask how that need could be met more effectively. Avoid saying anything judgmental about the feelings expressed. However, parents may offer suggestions about appropriate behavior.

Learning self-discipline is difficult for teens because the strength of their emotions keeps them focused only on the present. They tend to ignore the fact that their present behaviors affect the future. Teens have to learn to think first of the way in which the undesirable consequences of poor present choices can burden the future. There is nothing wrong with parents mandating that until the teen shows evidence of responsible choosing, there are some things that s/he will not be allowed to do or choose for her/himself.

The teen must also learn the difference between parental trust and love. While parental love should be given unconditionally, trust is something which one earns. When a teen demonstrates self-discipline, the parents have more reason to be trustful. Teaching teens self-discipline by applying logical consequences to their actions helps them learn to make choices by which they can enjoy a full and meaningful life and earn the trust of others--choices based on values rather than feelings.

Using logical consequences requires spending time as parents deciding upon and clearly communicating the acceptable limits of behavior. Decide together, ahead of time, what the logical consequence of the action should be if and when the child crosses a limit line. It can be the removal of certain privileges for a set time or the requirement of certain actions which will demonstrate trustworthiness. Some basic guidelines for using logical consequences to teach self-discipline:

1.        Make the guidelines very clear.

2.        Be consistent.

3.        Be prompt with consequences.

4.        Make the pressure of the consequence fit the seriousness of the action.

5.        Remember to apply good consequences to desirable behavior.

6.        Adjust the limits as the teen earns trust.

7.        Keep communication open.

8.        Affirm your unconditional love no matter how bad the behaviors or tough the consequences.

By identifying with the young person's feelings, helping him/her to interpret those feelings, and offering guidance in making healthy response choices, parents may begin to understand their teen's motivations. Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, parents and their teens have the assurance that God is with them always.