Coping With Sibling Rivalry

Nearly every home experiences conflicts among family members to some extent. After all, any sort of human relationship requires adjustment and compromise. In the closeness of the home, where so many needs are calling for attention, it is not surprising that special tensions would result.

In the case of sibling rivalry among the children, one factor to keep in mind is their stage of life. Since they are changing so rapidly, just about the time things seem to have fallen into a comfortable pattern within the family, suddenly a new source of friction may crop up! Since inconsistency and immaturity are to be expected at this stage, parents need to keep these experiences in perspective and not despair over them.

It helps to see each child as an individual, with his/her own needs, interests, hopes, and fears. Usually constant friction is a sign that the child is trying to say something about his/her needs not being met. Maybe the child's actions are saying, "I'm jealous of my brother or sister." Or, "I want more attention from you." Or, "I'm uptight about how I feel about myself, so I'm going to boost my own self-esteem by cutting other family members down." Parents may not take seriously the degree of conflict or the effect which it is having on one child's development. Sometimes, in an effort to be "fair," parents actually foster the conflict by failing to consider the different needs of each child.

By tuning in carefully, parents might discover some ways to eliminate some of the static. Prevention is always better than cure! Such measures as giving each child his/her own room or private area of a shared room, or making an intentional effort to spend some quality time alone with each child at some point once a week, or supporting each child's special interest with pride and encouragement--this kind of constructive action is far more effective than nagging or punishment for bickering.

Parents can work at helping children understand and operate out of some important basic principles. They need to understand that each member of the family is under obligation to help set the climate within the home. But we can be responsible only for our own actions. We can't change others or dictate their choices. We can't make them feel or act differently. All we can do is to try to be as open, accepting, loving, and responsible as possible. Hopefully, this will inspire others to change as well.

Communication is the key to dealing with conflict in the family. A family conference, in which each can express his or her ideas and feelings, can provide a good forum. Duties, feelings, expectations, and family rules can be discussed in this framework and many hassles can thus be avoided. Such an effort could result in a better home environment all around.

Spiritual resources are important for a balanced approach to handling any circumstance of life. In a relationship with God, parents and their children have the assurance that God is with them always.