Insights Into Jealousy

Jealousy is almost always linked to self-image. Those who see themselves as God intended them to be are confident in their own value and the value of others. Seldom do such people fall for the traps of jealousy. Those who enjoy their relationships but don't have to own the other person have the best chance for continued pleasant encounters with their friends, dates and family members. But when a person sees self as somehow inadequate, then anyone who comes on the scene is viewed as a threat. This is how jealousy begins to distort relationships and experiences.

A person who feels insecure usually has a great need to control situations and people. The jealous person will begin to put limits on others, on what they can do, on where they can go and with whom. One friend begins to limit another in making new acquaintances. A boyfriend or girlfriend becomes unnecessarily angry when the dating partner spends time with other friends, other dates, even family members, or even alone with self-fulfilling activities. Or a family member may be jealous of new friends a loved one is making, is afraid of losing control in the family, and so imposes limits. The need to control takes many forms, but there are ways to begin controlling jealousy.

First, learn to recognize it and the destructive effects it has on individuals and relationships. Instead of pulling people closer together, it pushes them apart. It blocks closeness instead of enhancing it.

Second, change the jealous behavior. Remove the limits. Open the relationships to include more people. The more freedom people have, the more room they have to grow. This is especially important during the teen and young adult years when people are growing and changing. The circle of friends and dates needs to expand, not contract. Only wide friendships and dating experiences can prepare individuals for more exclusive relationships later.

Third, the jealous person must work on the root of the problem: a faulty self-image. This can be done in many ways: education about self-worth through reading, experiences of achievement, and personal counseling which helps the individual gain a better understanding and appreciation of self. When one gains this self-appreciation, then the need to control diminishes and so does intense jealousy.

Fourth, it helps to get in touch with the source of our value--God's love for us. If He values us so highly, then we can begin to see ourselves as He sees us. This leads to a healthy view of self and appreciation of His love for others. This process begins with a simple conversation with our Heavenly Father and it progresses as a lifelong enrichment of our own self-acceptance and enhanced relationships.

Suggested Reading

The first and most important resource for any need is God’s Word, the Bible. We have suggested some Scriptures which apply to this topic. For additional suggestions, see our page, Where to Look in the Bible.