Confessions of a Jealous Pastor’s Wife

Walking into the worship center, I saw her. She was standing front and center singing like an angel but she felt like the devil to me. I watched her smile at my husband while belting out notes I could never reach. Anger boiled inside of me. She was on the worship team for the third weekend in a row. Unreliable thoughts plagued me. Jealousy convinced me I wasn’t important because I wasn’t on stage with my husband but home with two tenacious toddlers.

I longed to worship but I couldn’t concentrate while she was onstage. I felt left out of the inner circle of the worship team. I ached to be a larger part of my husband’s worship ministry but my singing abilities and young children left me out of the loop. I was a bystander watching my husband do his thing. I tried to cheer myself up with my best, “he can serve God well because I look after the home” speech but it felt fabricated.

I searched for peace from the Lord. And felt deflated until God led me to the story of Sarai and Hagar. I wrapped myself into their steamy saga longing for hope in my mess. Ultimately, God showed me via this soap opera between two women that He sees my sorrows and listens to my laboring.

My feelings didn’t completely subside but I set them against the truth of God’s Word. My feelings were true but they weren’t TRUTH. I needed to know that God sees, listens, and acts on my behalf. Then I read this:

Genesis 16:13a So she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, “You are the God of seeing,”

He sees. God reassured me that He saw my insecurities and He listened to my rants. He knew that I was feeling left out and He showed me Himself. Even while my doubts and disappointments unfolded He gave me a glimpse of His glory. The solution I was seeking was ultimately found by resting in His unfailing love.

Three things that helped me battle jealousy:

1) Put scripture on notecards that reassured my worth in Him.
2) Recognize and eliminate sources that created unrealistic expectations. (Books, TV or even certain kinds of music.)
3) Worship music helped my thoughts stay on Truth and not my unreliable feelings.

Don’t follow your heart, lead it”

Published February 28, 2014